After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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NASCAR/Make-A-Wish Partnership Allows Kids To Achieve Dreams Mere Moments Before Death

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—NASCAR has announced that their new partnership with the Make-A-Wish Foundation will allow young, terminally ill stock-car-racing fans to spend their last moments on Earth living out their fantasies of driving like Tony Stewart, Jimmie Johnson, and especially all-time favorite Dale Earnhardt. "We wanted to give kids with life-threatening medical conditions the chance to get into a 750-horsepower Nextel Cup car and experience what life is like on the ragged edge—and beyond," NASCAR public-relations associate Todd Linden said while helping a 13-year-old leukemia patient into a specially outfitted Monte Carlo with loose steering, a bad front-end push, and four weak tires. "We believe they deserve a chance to know what driving a race car is like before they die… even immediately before." Replacement cars for the program are paid for by the estate of the late Dale Earnhardt, whose relatives say would have loved to treat kids to the experience.

After Birth

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