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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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NASCAR's Drive For Diversity Program Successfully Hidden From Fans

GREENVILLE, SC—NASCAR continued to sucessfully hide its Drive for Diversity minority-involvement program from fans last week by very quietly congratulating driver Darrell Wallace, Jr. on becoming the first African-American to win a K&N Pro Series East race, an achievement that threatened unwanted publicity for the program. "Congratulations to Darren [sic] on his win in the thankfully obscure Kevin Whitaker Chevrolet 150, and we wish him good luck in his future," said a NASCAR public relations official, who asked not to be named as he struggled to prevent Wallace from taking off his full-face helmet. "On behalf of a, uh, certain stock-car racing organization, the name of which escapes me at the moment, I'd like to present you with this check for $5,000 in exchange for not doing any interviews. Your amazing achievement is proof that the Drive for [unintelligible] program is working, unfortunately." Since the program began in 2004, it's become known to less than 5 percent of fans and has sent exactly zero drivers to the top-tier Sprint Cup Series.

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