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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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NASCAR's Drive For Diversity Program Successfully Hidden From Fans

GREENVILLE, SC—NASCAR continued to sucessfully hide its Drive for Diversity minority-involvement program from fans last week by very quietly congratulating driver Darrell Wallace, Jr. on becoming the first African-American to win a K&N Pro Series East race, an achievement that threatened unwanted publicity for the program. "Congratulations to Darren [sic] on his win in the thankfully obscure Kevin Whitaker Chevrolet 150, and we wish him good luck in his future," said a NASCAR public relations official, who asked not to be named as he struggled to prevent Wallace from taking off his full-face helmet. "On behalf of a, uh, certain stock-car racing organization, the name of which escapes me at the moment, I'd like to present you with this check for $5,000 in exchange for not doing any interviews. Your amazing achievement is proof that the Drive for [unintelligible] program is working, unfortunately." Since the program began in 2004, it's become known to less than 5 percent of fans and has sent exactly zero drivers to the top-tier Sprint Cup Series.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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