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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Nashville Predators Promotion Allows First 500 Fans To Feed Players

NASHVILLE, TN—The first 500 visitors to see the Nashville Predators play hockey in their custom-built reinforced glass enclosure at Bridgestone Arena Saturday will actually be allowed to feed the team, Predators officials announced today. "For a few dollars, children and adults will be given a handful of player feed they can drop over the glass—like this—and watch the Predators eat," said general manager David Poile, tossing food on the ice as hungry players glided by, slapping their sticks and drooling. "Don't try to feed them from your hand, though. They may not have many teeth, but the ones they do have are needle-sharp. Also, don't tap on the glass. They'll fight." Poile further cautioned fans not to give the players food purchased at concession stands, because that food is not good for them and can make them very sick.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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