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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Natalee Holloway Makes New Year's Resolution To Become Famous

BIRMINGHAM, AL—At a quiet New Year's Eve party with friends, Mountain Brook High School senior Natalee Holloway made a resolution to be famous before the end of the calendar year. "I may just be an 18-year-old with my whole life ahead of me, but mark my words, I'm going to capture the public's attention in a big way," Holloway said. "I don't need to be rich, powerful, smart, or important—I just want to be famous. And I would like to use my fame to help others become famous—people like Nancy Grace, who is sadly underutilized on her sole program, Court TV's Closing Arguments." Holloway's mother Beth Twitty immediately joined in with a resolution of her own to tirelessly bolster her daughter's fame "on every news magazine show" if she has to.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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