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Natalee Holloway, Osama Bin Laden Celebrate 5-Year Wedding Anniversary

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

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WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Natalee Holloway, Osama Bin Laden Celebrate 5-Year Wedding Anniversary

LAS VEGAS—Saying they couldn't believe it had been five years since their Niagara Falls honeymoon, Natalee Holloway and Osama bin Laden announced this week that they would be spending their anniversary relaxing in a suite at the Wynn Las Vegas casino hotel. "We're just as happy now as we were on our wedding day," read a Facebook post by the pair, who said the past five years have been "quite a ride" and thanked all the "wonderful people" they've met along the way. "It was love at first sight, and we haven't looked back since the moment we laid eyes on each other." The Holloway–bin Ladens are reportedly already gearing up for their next big trip, an RV tour of America's great ballparks, in the spring.

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