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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Nate Silver Projects Super Tuesday Results Using Microscopic Electorate Grown In Petri Dish

NEW YORK—Saying the forecast method had an extremely high degree of accuracy, political statistician Nate Silver announced Monday he had projected the results of Super Tuesday’s presidential primary elections using a microscopic U.S. electorate he had grown in a petri dish. “By growing a colony of 146 million micrometer-tall Americans in the FiveThirtyEight lab and subjecting them to a variety of electoral variables, I’ve been able to predict the outcomes of all 13 primaries and caucuses that will be contested on Super Tuesday,” wrote Silver in a post on his website, explaining that he had been careful to cultivate the voter population in a nutrient-rich agar medium so it was demographically identical to that of the United States, just at 1/2,000,000th the size. “At that scale, election cycles progress approximately 4,000 times faster than in our environment, which allowed me to run hundreds of iterations of Super Tuesday on the microscopic electorate, varying such factors as last-minute political endorsements and the temperature in various regions on voting day with each individual test. This has yielded a high level of certainty about how Americans will vote tomorrow, and I can say that in 91 percent of all scenarios, microscopic Donald Trump had a very big day.” Silver added that, based on his experiment, there was a roughly 3 percent chance that the Super Tuesday results would polarize the electorate to such a degree that they would begin attacking one another and attempting to feast on the others’ stores of sugar.

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