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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Nate Silver Vows To Teach Chris Berman How To Read

BRISTOL, CT—Weeks following the announcement of his move to ESPN, renowned statistician Nate Silver told reporters Friday that he has made it his personal goal to teach his coworker and fellow analyst Chris Berman how to read.

Silver confirmed that he has been committed to helping Berman develop the skills necessary to attain proficiency in reading and writing ever since he learned of the veteran sports commenter’s functional illiteracy.

“When I met Chris for the first time, I had a strange feeling there was something he was hiding from me, but it wasn’t until I saw him anchor SportsCenter in person that it hit me: He can’t read,” said Silver, referring to the 58-year-old Berman, who, according to the politics blogger, has for years managed to conceal his illiteracy from his peers by mumbling or slurring the words that appear on his teleprompter. “When I confronted him about it after the taping, he got real defensive and shouted at me to leave him alone. But at the same time, you could tell that he really wanted to learn.”

“I swore then and there that I wouldn't rest until Christopher James Berman was a proud, literate member of the ESPN family,” Silver continued.

According to Silver, Berman currently possesses what the sabermetrician has “generously assessed” as a second-grade reading level, despite having held a full-time position at ESPN since 1979. In order to bridge the extensive gap between the Sunday NFL Countdown host’s current abilities and the language skills expected of a high-profile media pundit, Silver claimed that he has developed a customized curriculum consisting of phonics, flashcards, and basic reading comprehension drills.

Additionally, the FiveThirtyEight blog founder said that teaching method has included running through basic vowel and consonant patterns, as well as exercises in which Berman identifies and recites short, simple words such as “cat,” “house,” and “back.”

However, despite this gentle, elementary approach, Silver admitted that his latest project has so far been an uphill battle.

“I’ve been putting a lot of time into helping Chris sound out words and print his name on handwriting paper, but his progress honestly hasn't been as rapid as I would have hoped,” said Silver, who reportedly has devoted hours to sitting with Berman as he grinds his way through simple texts such as Hop On Pop, Goodnight Moon, and the Jose Canseco-penned steroids tell-all Juiced. “I mean, it took us more than two weeks to get through the entire alphabet, and it truthfully seems like he only has a firm handle on a few of the letters at this point. We’ve obviously got a lot of work to do.”

“I keep telling myself that this will all be worth it in the end,” Silver added.

Silver additionally confirmed that the growing frustrations accompanying his attempts to coach Berman are shared by the sportscaster himself, who reportedly has exploded into extended, tearful temper tantrums when challenged by the difficulties of reading and writing.

“Yesterday, he stormed out of the room when I told him that the 'h' in 'whistle' is silent,” said Silver, admitting that his pupil will oftentimes become enraged and overturn his desk when confronted with complex, multi-syllabic words unrelated to sports. “I keep telling him that his illiteracy is nothing to be ashamed of, but he just gets madder and madder until he’s on the ground bellowing and kicking his legs. I swear, nothing about this has been easy, but I just know that, with enough hard work and commitment, Chris will someday be able to read at something approaching a high school level.”

“But, then again, if that turns out not to be the case, at least he’ll hardly be alone around here,” Silver added.

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