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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Nate Silver Warns Against Overestimating His Value To ESPN

NEW YORK—After officially announcing his move from The New York Times to ESPN, prominent statistician and blogger Nate Silver reportedly urged Americans Monday to avoid overestimating his overall worth to the sports network. “According to recent web-traffic figures, my popularity peaked from 2010 to 2012 as a function of the presidential election, but given the tendency of such linear regression models to heavily fluctuate, it serves as a poor signifier of any actual, real-dollar value to ESPN,” said Silver, adding that according to data projections, his FiveThirtyEight blog has only a 7.4 percent chance of generating considerable interest on the ESPN home page. “The approximations of my future drawing power in fact resemble more of a random walk—in layman’s terms, a random model that cannot accurately predict future outcomes. There is strong statistical evidence to suggest that ESPN could have operated more efficiently by offering me a far smaller contract.” Silver also noted that, considering recent statistical trends within the television industry, there is an overwhelming likelihood that Keith Olbermann’s new weeknight talk show on ESPN will be fucking awful.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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