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Nation About Due For Big Cult Suicide

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

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Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Nation About Due For Big Cult Suicide

WASHINGTON—Citing a general feeling that it has been a while since one last occurred, the FBI warned Monday that the nation should prepare for the possibility of some kind of crazy, cult-related mass suicide.

FBI officials warn there could be another one of these things any minute now.

"It is our opinion that members of a fringe organization somewhere in the United States will more than likely engage in a sizable group suicide very soon," FBI director Robert Mueller told reporters at an early morning press conference. "I mean, can you believe we've gone this long without one? It's been what—10, 12 years? Too long. You just know some charismatic nutjob's planning something totally insane that's gonna be like, 'Whoa. Those people are nuts.' Right?"

Mueller explained that the act could be carried out by an isolated sect that sees itself as the victim of a government conspiracy, or perhaps a religious movement wanting its members to cleanse their souls prior to a significant astronomical event. Whatever the circumstances, he warned, all Americans should steel themselves for the grisly details of "a big group of weirdos knocking themselves off in a bizarre, ritualistic fashion."

While the FBI offered few specifics on how the suicides are likely to take place, it did not rule out the possibility of cult members ingesting cyanide at the behest of their leaders, engaging in self-immolation, or "just chopping their balls off or whatever."

Mueller can't believe we've gone this long without a bunch of "believers" drinking lethal Kool-Aid.

"At this time, we lack any hard evidence on the likelihood of this phenomenon," said psychologist Mike Sacks, author of the recent book A Huge Cult Suicide: Any Day Now, For Sure. "But what we're primarily working from is this gut sensation that we're gonna turn on the news some day soon and hear about a bunch of guys dressing up in matching jumpsuits, lying on the ground in a circle formation, and just wiping themselves out in spectacular fashion."

"Could even be tomorrow if there are meteor showers or something," Sacks added. "These freaks love that shit."

According to the Justice Department, state and local law enforcement agencies have been placed on high alert and informed that, before long, they can expect to stumble across the mutilated—or perhaps perfectly preserved—corpses of anywhere between a dozen and several hundred cult members.

†When asked to define what would constitute a major cult suicide, federal officials confirmed that a protracted and confusing siege ending with embattled separatists barricading themselves inside a compound and dying under mysterious circumstances would "definitely" count.

"Oh, absolutely, yes," Attorney General Eric Holder said in a telephone interview. "Because, really, that's basically like suicide, you know? If a group engages in a standoff with federal agents over its right to stockpile illegal weapons or forcibly marry children, sure, we could easily chalk that up as a cult suicide, no problem."

On Monday afternoon, cult researchers and specialists issued a press release declaring that the threat of a major ritual death event is now so high they have reset the National Mass Suicide Clock to 11:59 p.m.

"We know there are cults out there somewhere, so it's not a question of if, but when," said Mueller, concluding his remarks to reporters. "If I were a magnetic, demented guru with a thirst for power and teenage girls, what I would do is organize a parish of desperate, unemployed locals in, say, Pocatello, ID; rent a condo; and convince them all to swallow a handful of sedatives, tie a plastic bag around their heads, and leave behind their earthly forms in order to ascend to star HD 129893 before the next penumbral lunar eclipse. It's fast, it's simple, and it might even solve a lot of their problems."

Added Mueller, "Just something to think about."

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