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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Nation Admits It Always A Little Bored By Whole Jimmy Hoffa Thing

‘Why Is This Fascinating Again?’ Populace Asks

DETROIT—Following reports today that a new tip has prompted a renewed FBI search for the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the U.S. populace admitted they are, and have pretty much always been, a little bored whenever the whole thing with the former Teamsters president comes up. “I’m sorry, why are we supposed to care about this, again?” asked St. Paul, MN resident Richard Lott, 36, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who say they have “no discernible interest” in the nearly 40-year-old case of the missing labor union leader and assume anyone who did have any interest in the subject “died a long time ago.” “Every couple of years they’re checking out a different parking lot for this guy’s body—I don’t get it. It doesn’t seem like a big, fascinating mystery to me. So someone did a great job hiding a body. Good for them.” The U.S. populace admitted it was still more than willing to hear any news whatsoever about the Zodiac Killer.

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