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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Nation Admits It Always A Little Bored By Whole Jimmy Hoffa Thing

‘Why Is This Fascinating Again?’ Populace Asks

DETROIT—Following reports today that a new tip has prompted a renewed FBI search for the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the U.S. populace admitted they are, and have pretty much always been, a little bored whenever the whole thing with the former Teamsters president comes up. “I’m sorry, why are we supposed to care about this, again?” asked St. Paul, MN resident Richard Lott, 36, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who say they have “no discernible interest” in the nearly 40-year-old case of the missing labor union leader and assume anyone who did have any interest in the subject “died a long time ago.” “Every couple of years they’re checking out a different parking lot for this guy’s body—I don’t get it. It doesn’t seem like a big, fascinating mystery to me. So someone did a great job hiding a body. Good for them.” The U.S. populace admitted it was still more than willing to hear any news whatsoever about the Zodiac Killer.

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