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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation Admits It Always A Little Bored By Whole Jimmy Hoffa Thing

‘Why Is This Fascinating Again?’ Populace Asks

DETROIT—Following reports today that a new tip has prompted a renewed FBI search for the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the U.S. populace admitted they are, and have pretty much always been, a little bored whenever the whole thing with the former Teamsters president comes up. “I’m sorry, why are we supposed to care about this, again?” asked St. Paul, MN resident Richard Lott, 36, echoing the thoughts of millions of Americans who say they have “no discernible interest” in the nearly 40-year-old case of the missing labor union leader and assume anyone who did have any interest in the subject “died a long time ago.” “Every couple of years they’re checking out a different parking lot for this guy’s body—I don’t get it. It doesn’t seem like a big, fascinating mystery to me. So someone did a great job hiding a body. Good for them.” The U.S. populace admitted it was still more than willing to hear any news whatsoever about the Zodiac Killer.

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