adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Admits It Would’ve Been Fun To Watch Marcus Smart Beat Absolute Shit Out Of Fan

LUBBOCK, TX—Following his three-game suspension for a controversial courtside altercation with a spectator last weekend, millions of Americans confirmed Wednesday that it would have been kind of fun to watch Oklahoma State guard Marcus Smart beat the absolute shit out of the Texas Tech fan who provoked him. “Obviously any violence at a sporting event is completely and utterly unacceptable regardless of circumstance, but, I don’t know, part of me would have liked to watch Marcus Smart take that fat, loud-mouthed asshole by his Texas Tech polo shirt and pummel the ever-living fuck out of him,” said 36-year-old McLean, VA resident Alan Mitscher, adding that seeing a middle-aged man who maliciously heckles teenaged college basketball players get his ass kicked on national television would have been “pretty damn satisfying, actually.” “To see the look on that smug sack of shit’s face right when he realizes the 19-year-old kid he’s been verbally abusing is about to knock his fucking teeth out and leave him in a bloody heap on the side of the court—man, that would have been amazing.” Citizens from across the nation also told sources that there’s no way in hell the fan in question only called Smart “a piece of crap.”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close