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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Nation Admits It Would’ve Been Fun To Watch Marcus Smart Beat Absolute Shit Out Of Fan

LUBBOCK, TX—Following his three-game suspension for a controversial courtside altercation with a spectator last weekend, millions of Americans confirmed Wednesday that it would have been kind of fun to watch Oklahoma State guard Marcus Smart beat the absolute shit out of the Texas Tech fan who provoked him. “Obviously any violence at a sporting event is completely and utterly unacceptable regardless of circumstance, but, I don’t know, part of me would have liked to watch Marcus Smart take that fat, loud-mouthed asshole by his Texas Tech polo shirt and pummel the ever-living fuck out of him,” said 36-year-old McLean, VA resident Alan Mitscher, adding that seeing a middle-aged man who maliciously heckles teenaged college basketball players get his ass kicked on national television would have been “pretty damn satisfying, actually.” “To see the look on that smug sack of shit’s face right when he realizes the 19-year-old kid he’s been verbally abusing is about to knock his fucking teeth out and leave him in a bloody heap on the side of the court—man, that would have been amazing.” Citizens from across the nation also told sources that there’s no way in hell the fan in question only called Smart “a piece of crap.”

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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