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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Nation Admits There Could Be A Little Less Porn

WASHINGTON—Citizens across the country reportedly came to a collective agreement Wednesday that as a society they could probably make do with a bit less porn. “If we’re really being honest with ourselves, I think we have to acknowledge that we’d still be okay if there was maybe a fraction or so less pornography than there currently is,” said Cleveland resident Eric Shepard, 32, noting that the nation now has more porn at its disposal—including amateur porn, barely legal porn, bondage-BDSM porn, bukkake porn, clothed-male-naked-female porn, fisting porn, felching porn, enema porn, and vintage porn—than it could possibly view.  “Now, we’re definitely not asking anyone to take it all away. We love this stuff, after all. We’re just saying we could stand to dial back what we currently have by maybe 3 or 4 percent.” Citizens later added that should the day ever come when the amount of porn needs to be increased, they would like to see additions made to the present inventory of biracial pregnant face-sitting porn.

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