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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Nation Admits There Could Be A Little Less Porn

WASHINGTON—Citizens across the country reportedly came to a collective agreement Wednesday that as a society they could probably make do with a bit less porn. “If we’re really being honest with ourselves, I think we have to acknowledge that we’d still be okay if there was maybe a fraction or so less pornography than there currently is,” said Cleveland resident Eric Shepard, 32, noting that the nation now has more porn at its disposal—including amateur porn, barely legal porn, bondage-BDSM porn, bukkake porn, clothed-male-naked-female porn, fisting porn, felching porn, enema porn, and vintage porn—than it could possibly view.  “Now, we’re definitely not asking anyone to take it all away. We love this stuff, after all. We’re just saying we could stand to dial back what we currently have by maybe 3 or 4 percent.” Citizens later added that should the day ever come when the amount of porn needs to be increased, they would like to see additions made to the present inventory of biracial pregnant face-sitting porn.

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