adBlockCheck

Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad

Top Headlines

Recent News

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad

LYNDONVILLE, VT—Afflicted from birth with a rare degenerative disease, wheelchair-bound Luke Petrowski has confronted his illness by penning heartfelt verse that touches on elements vital to our lives: love, spirituality, courage, grace, and hope.

Luke Petrowski, whose <i>Hopeweavings</i> (left) books have sold more than 22 million copies.

His poetry has been collected in the Hopeweavings book series, all of which have been New York Times bestsellers and stand as stirring testaments to the power of faith and love. A sought-after talk-show guest and trusted friend of religious leaders and politicians alike, this home-schooled 9-year-old from small-town Vermont possesses a strength of spirit that has moved and inspired millions.

Yet for all the admiration Luke has won, an unsettling, unspoken sentiment has slowly spread among the American people. Though most will scarcely dare to admit it, the consensus is that young Luke's poetry is really, really bad.

"I saw Luke on Oprah a few months ago and was amazed by his remarkable poise and courage," said an Oklahoma homemaker, speaking on condition of anonymity. "But when I read his first Hopeweavings book, I couldn't deny this feeling that his poetry is actually pretty lousy. I feel horribly guilty saying so, but it's true."

The good intentions of Luke's poetry, coupled with his heartbreaking illness, make it difficult for Americans to recognize and acknowledge the poor quality of his work. The poems are fraught with saccharine sentimentality, slapdash mixed metaphors, and endless clichés involving rivers and the sun. One example from "What's Most Important," a poem in his most recent book, Offering Of Hopeweavings:

The things that are important in life / Are not wealth and fame / But the sun peering through the clouds / Its light shining on flower petals / And warming a kitten's nose / Making everything beautiful / Because that is what God wants / For us to be happy.

"Please don't hate me for what I'm about to say," said an unidentified 44-year-old male from Syracuse, NY. "I'm not against a disabled child having a creative outlet. And I don't expect Shakespeare here. But 'flower petals'? 'Warming a kitten's nose'? It's terrible. And notice how, toward the end, he always has to shoehorn in a reference to God. Almost every single poem is like that."

In "Breakfast Time," Luke likens his favorite meal of the day to spiritual redemption:

Opened my eyes to the sunrise / I can smell oatmeal and toast and juice / My favorites! / The sun's rays stream through my window / Taking away the darkness / The branches that scratched against my window all night / Are warmed in the sun's heat / Wasn't I silly to ever doubt or fear? / Mom is bringing my breakfast tray up to my room / There's oatmeal and toast / And juice! / Thank you, God, for this brand-new day / Another day to weave a new tapestry of hope.

A poem from the forthcoming <i>Grace Of Hopeweavings</i>.

The poem troubled a San Francisco bookstore employee, identified only as "Veronica."

"I don't consider myself some bitter, cynical crank who can't appreciate sincere sentiment," Veronica said. "But the unrelenting cheerfulness is a bit much. When I read one of these Hopeweavings poems, I want to open my shirt collar and go out for air. God is always near, children are always special, and the sun is forever shining. I feel like somebody's cramming a rainbow down my throat."

While Veronica and others wrestle with their guilt, Luke's fans eagerly await the January publication of his ninth book, Grace Of Hopeweavings.

"Hopeweavings books belong on every bookshelf in America," said Lubbock, TX, realtor Mary Ellen Buford. "Almost all my friends and colleagues have copies of Luke's books, and I highly recommend them to anyone. Luke is a living saint. I don't claim to get everything he writes, but that's how incredible this boy is. He has things to teach us that will take most of us a lifetime to understand."

This past April, Nicholas Farmer, 37, a technical-support specialist for a Boston telecommunications firm, attended a motivational seminar which featured Luke as a guest speaker.

"His poem about a conversation with an angel moved a lot of us to tears," Farmer said. "Watching that frail, brave little boy recite his poetry to a rapt audience is something I won't soon forget."

Moved by the experience, Farmer bought Luke's fifth book, Hopeweavings: Heaven's Just A Hug Away. Yet halfway through the book, even Farmer began to question its artistic merit.

"As I'm reading one of the poems—I think it was 'Another Shiny Day'—I'm thinking, can't Luke just draw pictures for his fridge?" Farmer said. "Or, better yet, not do anything artistic or spiritual at all, and just play video games? Am I just being a huge asshole? Probably."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close