Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Nation Allows Itself 5 Minutes To Believe This All Going To Be Over Soon

WASHINGTON—Indulging in a brief but blissful pause to imagine that normalcy would soon be returning, the nation on Wednesday allowed itself five precious minutes to believe that all of this would soon be over. “This Russia and Comey stuff is the tipping point—all this madness is going to be behind us in no time, and we can go about our lives like we used to,” said Tampa, FL resident Kelly Hinshaw, one of the 321 million Americans who granted themselves just a few moments to hold the opinion that it wouldn’t be long until everything was okay once more, in fact probably just a week or two. “I haven’t focused as much on work and my friends because I’ve been so wrapped up in awful political news. But I’m glad we’re turning the page on that stuff and that I’m going to be able to focus on other priorities again. I’m just so glad we made it through.” At press time, the populace of the United States could not fucking believe the notification that just showed up on their phones.

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