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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Nation Allows Itself 5 Minutes To Believe This All Going To Be Over Soon

WASHINGTON—Indulging in a brief but blissful pause to imagine that normalcy would soon be returning, the nation on Wednesday allowed itself five precious minutes to believe that all of this would soon be over. “This Russia and Comey stuff is the tipping point—all this madness is going to be behind us in no time, and we can go about our lives like we used to,” said Tampa, FL resident Kelly Hinshaw, one of the 321 million Americans who granted themselves just a few moments to hold the opinion that it wouldn’t be long until everything was okay once more, in fact probably just a week or two. “I haven’t focused as much on work and my friends because I’ve been so wrapped up in awful political news. But I’m glad we’re turning the page on that stuff and that I’m going to be able to focus on other priorities again. I’m just so glad we made it through.” At press time, the populace of the United States could not fucking believe the notification that just showed up on their phones.

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