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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Nation Already Sick Of Baseball

WASHINGTON—With the MLB season still less than a week old, millions of weary Americans across the country confirmed Wednesday that they were already sick of baseball. “Three innings into opening day and I was completely bored to death,” said 36-year-old Michael Simpkins, echoing the sentiment of the entire U.S. populace while expressing that he could not wait for the tedious MLB season to finally end. “I was sort of excited before the game, but once they started playing I immediately realized that I couldn’t take one more second of this unwatchable shit.” At press time, the nation was reportedly reading articles on the NFL Draft and asked reporters to let them know who won the World Series.

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