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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Nation Asks Permission To Stop Watching Olympics Now

WASHINGTON—The people of the United States of America issued a formal request Monday, seeking permission to stop watching the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. "We have dutifully watched segments of the XXIX Olympiad for at least two hours a day for nearly two consecutive weeks, including aquatic events, track and field, and even stupid stuff such as synchronized diving, and while we fully and openly admit that we have enjoyed far more than we had initially expected, we must reiterate—it has been two weeks," the appeal drafted by the U.S. populace read in part. "Can we please stop now?" The 300 million U.S. citizens said they would be sitting here watching women's beach volleyball until they receive official word that it's okay to switch to a rerun of Grey's Anatomy.

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