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Nation Asks Permission To Stop Watching Olympics Now

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Nation Asks Permission To Stop Watching Olympics Now

WASHINGTON—The people of the United States of America issued a formal request Monday, seeking permission to stop watching the 2008 Summer Olympic Games. "We have dutifully watched segments of the XXIX Olympiad for at least two hours a day for nearly two consecutive weeks, including aquatic events, track and field, and even stupid stuff such as synchronized diving, and while we fully and openly admit that we have enjoyed far more than we had initially expected, we must reiterate—it has been two weeks," the appeal drafted by the U.S. populace read in part. "Can we please stop now?" The 300 million U.S. citizens said they would be sitting here watching women's beach volleyball until they receive official word that it's okay to switch to a rerun of Grey's Anatomy.

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