adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food. “Oh, man, as soon as that sun rises, I’m going to get up, head to the kitchen, and get right back to eating,” said local resident Ted Wallace, 49, grinning excitedly as he set his alarm for Saturday morning. “I felt bad after I finished that last late-night snack, because I knew I had a full eight-hour window of non-eating ahead of me. But once I wake up it’s going to be great! My only regret is that I can’t eat while I’m sleeping.” At press time, sources confirmed the American populace had awakened, sat bolt upright in bed, and announced, “It’s eatin’ time!”

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close