Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

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Vol 49 Issue 02

Adrian Peterson Re-Tears ACL In Preparation For 2013 Season

MINNEAPOLIS—Hoping to improve upon the remarkable feat of rushing for the second most yards in NFL history a year after tearing his ACL in the final week of 2011, Vikings running back Adrian Peterson announced Sunday that he has intentionally torn h...

I-95 Diagnosed With Highway Cancer

NEW HAVEN, CT—Road oncologists at Yale-New Haven Hospital held a press conference Tuesday to announce that Interstate 95, the main conduit running along the country’s Eastern Seaboard, had begun treatment for stage III highway cancer, an advan...

Noogies Around The World

National Geographic 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST It turns out that some countries don’t even call them noogies; they call them something else in their own language.

Packers vs. Niners

The Packers battle the 49ers in the NFC divisional playoff game for a rematch of every single time these two teams have met.

Denzel Washington

Even though he probably won’t win Best Actor, Denzel Washington is planning to attend the Oscars all the same.
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    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Originality

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food. “Oh, man, as soon as that sun rises, I’m going to get up, head to the kitchen, and get right back to eating,” said local resident Ted Wallace, 49, grinning excitedly as he set his alarm for Saturday morning. “I felt bad after I finished that last late-night snack, because I knew I had a full eight-hour window of non-eating ahead of me. But once I wake up it’s going to be great! My only regret is that I can’t eat while I’m sleeping.” At press time, sources confirmed the American populace had awakened, sat bolt upright in bed, and announced, “It’s eatin’ time!”

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