adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Can’t Wait To Wake Up And Start Eating Again

LINCOLN, NE—All across the nation Friday, U.S. residents turning in for the night said they were eager to fall asleep, as they simply could not wait to wake up the following morning and once more have the opportunity to consume food. “Oh, man, as soon as that sun rises, I’m going to get up, head to the kitchen, and get right back to eating,” said local resident Ted Wallace, 49, grinning excitedly as he set his alarm for Saturday morning. “I felt bad after I finished that last late-night snack, because I knew I had a full eight-hour window of non-eating ahead of me. But once I wake up it’s going to be great! My only regret is that I can’t eat while I’m sleeping.” At press time, sources confirmed the American populace had awakened, sat bolt upright in bed, and announced, “It’s eatin’ time!”

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close