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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation Celebrates Awkward 'Take Your Illegitimate Daughter To Work' Day

WASHINGTON, DC—Tensions were running high Tuesday as Americans nervously explained their jobs, gave workplace tours, and introduced their bastard children to coworkers on National "Take Your Illegitimate Daughter To Work" Day. "Today, we encourage young girls to think about the future while we acknowledge the sins of our past," said President Bush, who insisted that cameras remain trained on his face during his address. "Let's encourage our unnamed children to build a career that takes them to new and exciting places very, very far away." The annual holiday was established under President Kennedy in 1962.

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