adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting

UPDATE: Never Mind

NEW YORK—Cheers filled the streets and American flags waved triumphantly through the air today as the nation turned out in full force to celebrate an entire week having passed since the last time a madman opened fire on innocent civilians in some kind of fatal mass shooting. “We did it, folks! We banded together and managed to go seven whole days without killing our fellow Americans in a senseless murdering spree!” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said in a speech to jubilant throngs gathered in Times Square. “Yes, some people were shot this week, but not in a random, highly public, viscerally disturbing way and—most importantly—not all in one place, by one psychopath. Maybe one day we can live in a society where abominable large-scale gun violence stays out of the national headlines for a whole month even!” At press time, federal authorities had issued a reminder to all Americans that a lot can happen in 24 hours, “so let’s not get too excited yet.”

UPDATE: Federal officials have reportedly just informed celebrating Americans that a mass shooting did in fact just happen in front of the Empire State Building, and that citizens should stop chanting and cheering now. “Oh,” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said, looking at what appeared to be a news alert on her cell phone. “You know what, forget it. There was another one about 20 blocks from here. So, party’s over. Sorry.” Napolitano then urged the visibly saddened Americans to be careful, get back home as soon as possible, lock all their doors, and never leave their homes unless it is absolutely essential.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close