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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Nation Celebrates Full Week Without Deadly Mass Shooting

UPDATE: Never Mind

NEW YORK—Cheers filled the streets and American flags waved triumphantly through the air today as the nation turned out in full force to celebrate an entire week having passed since the last time a madman opened fire on innocent civilians in some kind of fatal mass shooting. “We did it, folks! We banded together and managed to go seven whole days without killing our fellow Americans in a senseless murdering spree!” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said in a speech to jubilant throngs gathered in Times Square. “Yes, some people were shot this week, but not in a random, highly public, viscerally disturbing way and—most importantly—not all in one place, by one psychopath. Maybe one day we can live in a society where abominable large-scale gun violence stays out of the national headlines for a whole month even!” At press time, federal authorities had issued a reminder to all Americans that a lot can happen in 24 hours, “so let’s not get too excited yet.”

UPDATE: Federal officials have reportedly just informed celebrating Americans that a mass shooting did in fact just happen in front of the Empire State Building, and that citizens should stop chanting and cheering now. “Oh,” Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano said, looking at what appeared to be a news alert on her cell phone. “You know what, forget it. There was another one about 20 blocks from here. So, party’s over. Sorry.” Napolitano then urged the visibly saddened Americans to be careful, get back home as soon as possible, lock all their doors, and never leave their homes unless it is absolutely essential.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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