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Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

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Supreme Court

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...

Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares'

WASHINGTON—Ten minutes into oral arguments over whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry one another, a visibly confounded Supreme Court stopped legal proceedings Tuesday and ruled that gay marriage was “perfectly fine” and ...

Supreme Court's New Agent Already Getting Them Better Cases

WASHINGTON—The justices of the United States Supreme Court confirmed this week that although he has been on the job less than a year, their new agent, Rory McCleft, has already started to help the nine-member panel land more high-profile cases. Earl...

Justice Scalia Endorses New Easton Gaveling Gloves

WASHINGTON—Saying their gel-filled kangaroo-leather palms give him "the control and comfort I need for the perfect swing," Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia signed a deal Monday with equipment and accessory maker Easton to endorse the c...

Interim Apple Chief Under Fire After Unveiling Grotesque New MacBook

CUPERTINO, CA—In his first major product release since stepping in for an ailing Steve Jobs last month, interim Apple CEO Tim Cook faced a storm of harsh criticism Monday after unveiling a grotesque new version of the company's popular MacBook that many in attendance described as "disgusting."

Elena Kagan - Trust Us, She Needed This Gig Real Bad

Supreme Court Justice

When she became the fourth woman to join the highest court in the land last August, it was a significant moment in American history. But for newly minted Supreme Court justice Elena Kagan, it meant something so much more: a steady paycheck.

Supreme Court Understudy Fills In For Scalia

WASHINGTON—After waiting in the wings of the U.S. Supreme Court for three long years, understudy Albert Dorchester, 28, finally got a chance to fill in for Justice Antonin Scalia Tuesday when a sudden illness kept the veteran jurist from his usual d...

Oct. 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'

October 10, 1991

Supreme Court Nominee Clarence Thomas: 'The Ass-Slapping Was Never Done In An Inappropriate Manner'

Judging Roberts

Last week, the confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee John Roberts began. Here are the key facts Congress has uncovered about Judge Roberts:

Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat that opened following the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist. "Already, this experienced...

Genie Grants Scalia Strict Constructionist Interpretation Of Wish

WASHINGTON, DC—A genie freed from a battered oil lamp by Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia granted the conservative jurist a strict constructionist interpretation of his wish for "a hundred billion bucks" Monday. "Sim sim salabim! Your wish is my command!" the genie proclaimed amid flashes of light and purple smoke, immediately filling the Supreme Court building with a massive herd of wild male antelopes. When Justice Scalia complained that the "bucks" had razed the U.S. Supreme Court building, trampling and killing several of his clerks and bringing traffic in the nation's capital to a standstill for hours, the genie said, "Your honor, your wish is a sacred and unalterable document whose interpretation is not subject to the whims of society and changing social context."

August 1, 1956

Supreme Court Rules U.S. Fathers Should Not Be Disturbed During Dinner Hour

Supreme Court Justices Devour Sandra Day O'Connor In Ancient Ritual

WASHINGTON, DC—The eight remaining justices of the Supreme Court met in chambers Monday to feast on the living flesh of retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, enacting an ancient tradition that began when the first chief justice of the Supreme Court retired and was summarily consumed in 1795.

June 13, 1967

National Guard Mobilized For Integration Of Negro Into Supreme Court

Son, We Need To Talk About This Supreme Court Obsession Of Yours

Son, could you come in here for a second? Well, I'm sorry, but that newspaper's just going to have to wait, because we really need to talk. Son, your mother and I have been worried about you. Your grades have been slipping, you've been spending less time with your friends, and you've been shutting yourself in your room for hours at a time. Now, I know it may make you feel uncomfortable to talk about it, but this Supreme Court obsession of yours has become a problem.

Gay Couple Feels Pressured To Marry

DEDHAM, MA—Ever since last month, when Massachusetts became the first state to allow same-sex weddings, parents, friends, and coworkers have been pressuring Kristin Burton and her girlfriend Laura Miyatake to marry, the couple of 14 months said Monday.

Supreme Court Agrees To Disagree On Abortion Issue

WASHINGTON, DC–After decades of divisive debate, the U.S. Supreme Court finally agreed to disagree Monday on the hot-button issue of abortion. "It is the opinion of this court that we could go on and on arguing about this forever," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who wrote the opinion in the 9-0 decision. "But in the end, that serves nobody. So, finally, we threw up our hands and said, 'Let's just agree to disagree.'" The court's ruling contains language that specifically prohibits justices from bringing up the matter again.

Gore Calls For Recount Of Supreme Court Vote

WASHINGTON, DC– An increasingly desperate Al Gore called for a recount Tuesday of the U.S. Supreme Court's 9-0 decision in Bush v. Palm Beach County Canvassing Board. "There is reason to suspect that these nine votes were not properly counted and that as many as five justices who sided with Mr. Bush did not intend to do so," Gore said. "It is therefore in the best interest of our democracy for the U.S. Supreme Court to suspend judgment in this case until we can be absolutely certain that this court did, in fact, intend to rule in Mr. Bush's favor." Gore added that if his recount request is denied, he will file an appeal with the Interplanetary Supreme Court.
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Nation Celebrates What Is, Technically Speaking, Progress

Americans everywhere are cheering what they say is definitely, well, not a slam-dunk by any means, but a step forward of sorts.
Americans everywhere are cheering what they say is definitely, well, not a slam-dunk by any means, but a step forward of sorts.

WASHINGTON—Following two Supreme Court rulings today that allowed homosexuals in California to wed, extended federal benefits to same-sex married couples, but stopped short of calling gay marriage constitutional, the nation celebrated what is, technically speaking, progress, sources confirmed.

“Today this country took, well, you know, certainly not a bold step forward, or anything even close to a leap, but, if we’re really looking at particulars, a step nonetheless,” said Virginia resident Aaron Yelenick, who celebrated the nation’s admittedly somewhat underwhelming but inarguably forward-facing move outside the Supreme Court Building. “You certainly couldn’t call this a step backward. So, there you go. That’s something.”

“Anyway,” he added, “hooray.”

With shouts of “Land of the free, certainly more so than it was yesterday, at least!” and “We did it—if you look at the details here and ignore that it’s still disappointing that a high number of gay men and women still don’t have the same rights as straight citizens!” millions of Americans took to the streets to celebrate what is, in the end, a victory.

According to jubilant citizens across the country, no one can argue that the Supreme Court’s decision doesn’t fit into the very strict, dictionary definition of the word “progress,” insomuch as homosexuals were previously treated unfairly and, if one looks at it purely from an objective standpoint, will now be treated slightly less unfairly.

The U.S. populace went on to confirm that the country is, technically speaking, making advances in gay rights.

“Today, we as a nation got closer to something, so that is, by reasonable deduction, progress,” California resident and homosexual Lisa Gerard said. “I can now marry my girlfriend Erica, and Erica will be seen as my legal spouse under federal law. That improves my life greatly, so that totally counts as progress. Now, can my friend Peter who lives in Mississippi marry his longtime partner, David? No. Does the federal government recognize their union? No. Did nine people who are essentially supposed to be the most educated people in the United States basically say Peter and David are unequal to Erica and myself? They did.”

“Anyway,” she added, “let’s party!”

According to a CBS News/New York Times poll taken after the Supreme Court ruling, 34 percent of respondents said that increased rights for gay Americans couldn’t be called a non-victory; 42 percent noted that America is now a beacon of human rights, but not an extremely bright beacon, per se; and 10 percent said the ruling is a “very big deal,” if one is willing to scale back their idealism and expectations fivefold.

Nearly 95 percent of respondents said that, after looking at all the specifics, reading the judges’ majority opinions, thinking 10 to 15 years down the line, taking into consideration the overall trajectory of the country, understanding that everything takes time, and remembering that it is politically opportunistic for a majority of Congressmen to at least be seen as fair, what happened today moved the country forward.

“It certainly would have been great today to have found out that I now live in a country that isn’t so goddamn hypocritical and ass-fucking-backward when it comes to equality,” said homosexual Evan Benzio, causing those celebrating around him to momentarily stop cheering. “But whatever. Fuck it. I’ll take it.”

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