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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Nation Checks Out CNN.com To See What Their Old Pals The Tsarnaevs And Castros Are Up To

WASHINGTON—Americans nationwide turned to the news website CNN.com today to see what was kicking with their old buddies Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev and alleged rapist and kidnapper Ariel Castro and his brothers. “Okay, time to check up on my little pals the Tsaernevs and Castros, find out what’s new with those kooks,” said Denver resident Danielle Lebow, 43, as she typed “CNN.com” into a web browser and pressed enter. “Who knows, maybe I’ll pop by a story on James Holmes, too, see that how that guy’s doing these days. Gotta know how all of my little friends are holding up.” At press time, citizens had reportedly migrated to HuffingtonPost.com to look in on their friend Benghazi to see what “the big guy” was up to.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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