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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Nation Collectively Acts Like It Was Rooting For Phil Mickelson All Along

NEW YORK—The entire U.S. populace pretended it had not been rooting for Tiger Woods to come back from a bizarre sex scandal to win the 2010 Masters Sunday, claiming instead it was pulling for Phil Mickelson the entire tournament. "Anyone who wasn't cheering for Phil after the year he's been through with his wife's breast cancer diagnosis needs to seriously reexamine his values," said Boston resident Will Foreman, who secretly winced along with the majority of the nation when Woods bogeyed the par-4 14th hole during his final round. "I bet there are some sickos out there who actually wanted Woods to win because they thought it would be…well, pretty goddamn amazing, actually. Like no other triumph in the history of sports—an unforgettable moment. Not me, though: Phil and his wife embracing on the 18th is what I tuned in on Sunday to watch. Yup." According to CBS, a majority of citizens turned their televisions off after Woods' post-tournament interview, 15 minutes before Mickelson hit his final tee shot.

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