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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Nation Comes To Halt To Watch Crane Move Massive Concrete Tube

The big crane and concrete tube, which have brought the country to a standstill.
The big crane and concrete tube, which have brought the country to a standstill.

NEW YORK—Stopping dead in their tracks and pausing to take in the scene unfolding above them, the entire country reportedly came to a halt Thursday morning to watch an industrial crane move a massive concrete tube across a construction site.

The dumbfounded populace, staring up with their mouths agape at the extended arm of the yellow, 200-foot-tall Liebherr tower crane as it moved the building component slowly through the air, reportedly followed the huge cement tube’s progress unblinkingly for the nearly 10 minutes it took to transfer it to the spot where it would be secured into place.

“Whoa,” said 46-year-old bank manager Alex Horn while standing in the middle of the sidewalk, pointing into the sky and gazing wide-eyed at the 30-foot-long, steel-reinforced concrete tube as it was hoisted approximately 75 feet above the ground. “That thing’s big.”

“Really big,” he added.

According to reports, upon spotting the 9-foot-diameter cylinder suspended in midair, the nation’s 320 million citizens paused what they had been doing and placed a hand on their brow to shield their eyes from the sun, with many reportedly tugging at a nearby acquaintance’s sleeve to alert them to the sight above. Sources confirmed that, after several moments of gaping, a few million Americans opted to cross the street to get a closer look through the chain-link gates at the construction site’s entrance.

Throughout the tube’s transit, many of the onlookers were said to have briefly turned to the friends, family members, or strangers standing next to them and mouthed the word “wow” before returning their gaze skyward.

“Look how far up it is,” said pastry shop worker Kevin Jordan, 29, speaking to reporters without breaking his line of sight with the large tube. “That thing’s gotta weigh, like, 100 tons.”

“Oh, look, you can see through it now,” he continued, as the tube slowly rotated at the end of its tether.

Though completely captivated by the activity, many Americans reportedly took a moment to speculate what the big crane would pick up next, imagining that it might subsequently lift a humongous steel beam, or perhaps a giant bucket of cinder blocks. Others, however, were quick to point out a large pile of identical concrete tubes at one end of the construction site and suggested these would likely be moved next, in a similar manner.

“It’s going real slow—they probably have to go so slow because it’s so big,” said 38-year-old Gabrielle Cook, a mother of three, who, along with the rest of the nation, wondered aloud at one point why the process had momentarily halted. “Oh, it stopped. Why’d it stop?”

“There it goes again,” Cook added.

According to an informal poll of onlookers, 73 percent of the nation said they had never seen a tube that big before, while 24 percent said they’ve seen bigger. The remaining 3 percent either grumbled indecipherably or shushed reporters.

Amid audible “oohs” and “ahhs” as the crane began to lower the massive object into place, the nation admitted it was still unclear as to the exact function of the tube, though many commented that it looked like “a big sewer pipe or something.”

“It’d be crazy to be the guy steering that thing,” said accounting clerk Jeff Merriwether, 26, staring at the cabin sitting atop the body of the crane. “Think how far he has to climb to get up there.”

“I bet he’s used to it by now,” Merriwether continued.

At press time, the nation was distracted by a big machine scooping dirt nearby.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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