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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Nation Confident Team USA Can Participate In World Cup

WASHINGTON—Insisting that with a roster of this caliber, it was “basically in the bag,” the entire nation expressed their confidence Tuesday that the U.S. men’s national soccer team could very well participate in the 2014 FIFA World Cup. “I know it's still early, but I’m not afraid to call it right now and say that the United States will attend the tournament,” Tempe, AZ resident Dan Freher told reporters from his seat at a Buffalo Wild Wings, echoing the sentiments of millions of soccer fans across America, all of whom were excitedly anticipating a resounding U.S. appearance at the international level. “With [Jurgen] Klinsmann as coach and with seasoned players like Tim Howard and Clint Dempsey leading the way, the U.S. could easily go all the way to the group stage. I know it’s crazy to get my hopes up like this, but I just have this gut feeling that they have a shot at playing in this whole thing.” Freher added that even if the team choked this year, American soccer fans would always have their memories of the 1994 World Cup, when the U.S. handily hosted the entire tournament.

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