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Nation Could Probably Draw John Boehner From Memory At This Point

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Nation Could Probably Draw John Boehner From Memory At This Point

WASHINGTON—With the government shutdown entering its third week, citizens across the nation confirmed Tuesday that “while it’s unfortunate,” House Speaker John Boehner’s image has now become such a prominent part of their day-to-day existence that they could more than likely draw the high-ranking Republican from memory. “First, I would sketch out his sort of square-shaped face, and then I would pencil in the three, no, four wrinkles that run across his forehead,” said 34-year-old Topeka resident Peter Eckhart, whose eyes were closed as he pulled from a mental impression of Boehner that has been seared into his brain after weeks upon weeks of press conferences, news articles, and television appearances. “Pink tie; gray-blue eyes that look tired and glassy; short, thin brown hair with an M-shaped hairline; Slight double chin. You can draw him pointing or not pointing. Pointing if he’s calling on a reporter. Don’t forget the deep wrinkle next to his right eyebrow, and a really defined indent between his lips and nose.” When asked if they could draw House Majority Leader Eric Cantor from memory, U.S. citizens said they couldn’t, and “thank fucking God for that.”

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