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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Nation Could Probably Draw John Boehner From Memory At This Point

WASHINGTON—With the government shutdown entering its third week, citizens across the nation confirmed Tuesday that “while it’s unfortunate,” House Speaker John Boehner’s image has now become such a prominent part of their day-to-day existence that they could more than likely draw the high-ranking Republican from memory. “First, I would sketch out his sort of square-shaped face, and then I would pencil in the three, no, four wrinkles that run across his forehead,” said 34-year-old Topeka resident Peter Eckhart, whose eyes were closed as he pulled from a mental impression of Boehner that has been seared into his brain after weeks upon weeks of press conferences, news articles, and television appearances. “Pink tie; gray-blue eyes that look tired and glassy; short, thin brown hair with an M-shaped hairline; Slight double chin. You can draw him pointing or not pointing. Pointing if he’s calling on a reporter. Don’t forget the deep wrinkle next to his right eyebrow, and a really defined indent between his lips and nose.” When asked if they could draw House Majority Leader Eric Cantor from memory, U.S. citizens said they couldn’t, and “thank fucking God for that.”

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