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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Nation Could Probably Draw John Boehner From Memory At This Point

WASHINGTON—With the government shutdown entering its third week, citizens across the nation confirmed Tuesday that “while it’s unfortunate,” House Speaker John Boehner’s image has now become such a prominent part of their day-to-day existence that they could more than likely draw the high-ranking Republican from memory. “First, I would sketch out his sort of square-shaped face, and then I would pencil in the three, no, four wrinkles that run across his forehead,” said 34-year-old Topeka resident Peter Eckhart, whose eyes were closed as he pulled from a mental impression of Boehner that has been seared into his brain after weeks upon weeks of press conferences, news articles, and television appearances. “Pink tie; gray-blue eyes that look tired and glassy; short, thin brown hair with an M-shaped hairline; Slight double chin. You can draw him pointing or not pointing. Pointing if he’s calling on a reporter. Don’t forget the deep wrinkle next to his right eyebrow, and a really defined indent between his lips and nose.” When asked if they could draw House Majority Leader Eric Cantor from memory, U.S. citizens said they couldn’t, and “thank fucking God for that.”

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