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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Nation Curious As To What Winning Formula Responsible For A’s Success

OAKLAND, CA—Claiming to be very eager to learn anything about the team’s successful yet mysterious tactics, Americans across the nation reportedly expressed their keen interest Friday in the Oakland A’s winning formula for remaining consistently competitive over the past decade. “Year after year, the A’s win an above-average number of games even though they’re on a far smaller budget than most teams—how do they keep doing that?” said Lowell, MA resident Jake Hughes, 28, adding that someone should at least interview GM Billy Beane and, if possible, get an inside look at the way Oakland’s front office operates. “I suppose it could be pure luck, but something tells me there’s more to the story than that. I wonder—and this is all purely conjecture, of course—if they have some sort of unique system in place to get the optimal value for their payroll: a ‘fiscal ballgame,’ if you will. Whatever they’re doing, it’s unorthodox, and I’d love to know about it, especially within the context of baseball history and the game’s more conventional practices.” Despite their curiosity about the franchise’s strategy, Americans confirmed that they would not be interested in anything beyond a single magazine article on the subject.

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