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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Nation Demands Fresh Celebrity Meat

Experts warned there's barely enough carrion to get America's starving masses through the weekend.
Experts warned there's barely enough carrion to get America's starving masses through the weekend.

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Like famished dogs salivating before a warm and steaming carcass, a coalition of bloodthirsty Americans demanded this week that the entertainment industry provide them with newer, fresher celebrities to mercilessly devour.

"Our most sumptuous celebrities have been picked to the bone," a statement by the group, Citizens for Renewed Celebrity Consumption, read in part. "We can no longer subsist vicariously on the travails and public deteriorations of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. These fetid idols are mere shreds of their former selves, and we, the American entertainment consumers, grow ever hungrier for a new crop of stars on which to feast."

"We need meat!" the statement continued. "Raw, bloody meat!"

Calling Shia LaBeouf's substance abuse problems "unsastifying," and the persistent tabloid coverage of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt "a mere morsel, unfit even for a sewer rat," the CRCC claimed that the current batch of celebrities are simply not providing the level of self-immolation necessary to slake the rabid appetites of the American public.

In an extensive outline of their demands, the CRCC called for the immediate coupling of 25 emotionally unstable stars, grainy nude photos of Megan Fox, and a new Disney channel devoted entirely to the creation of teenage singing sensations who can be lured into the debaucherous lifestyle of Los Angeles' most rich and famous.

"The nation very much enjoyed sinking its fangs into the flesh of Jon and Kate plus eight, but we gobbled them up much too quickly, and now require a second course," said CRCC spokeswoman Ellen Jameson, rhythmically sharpening two butcher knives against each other. "Feed us. Feed us now or else."

Across the country, consumers echoed the CRCC's call for new celebrity fodder. At an impromptu rally outside a Chicago-area cinema Tuesday, hundreds of moviegoers waiting in line suddenly began chanting "Meat! Meat! We demand fresh meat!" before overturning several cars and Dumpsters. And in Miami, there were reports of fevered howling around the city last week following the season premier of Grey's Anatomy.

Media experts have been warning for months that American consumers will face starvation if Hollywood does not provide someone for them to put on a pedestal, worship, envy, download sex tapes of, and then topple and completely destroy.

Ideally, ravenous sources said, the new celebrity should be under the age of 6, so that he or she can be slowly and fully devoured, much like what has been called the "perfect storm" of celebrity self-destruction: the life of Michael Jackson.

"Forced into fame by an abusive father, robbed of his childhood by a greedy public, and then ascending to superstar status, acquiring huge sums of money and even greater debt, growing progressively more and more insane, getting indicted for child molestation, and eventually dying of a heart attack brought on by massive doses of half a dozen different prescription drugs, followed by a hypocritical backswing into near deification after his death, Michael Jackson was a most delicious and bountiful feast," Variety writer Janet Cosgrove said. "But now Hollywood executives must throw us even more to eat or, God help us, we will turn on them and tear them apart instead!"

The industry has so far had no shortage of citizens willing to become the American public's next meal.

"Give me fame—I'm willing to do anything," said Los Angeles resident Jenna Sanders, an aspiring singer-actress. "Dress me up in fancy gowns, parade every detail of my personal life before the world, objectify me, drive me to cocaine and lesbianism. I don't care about the consequences as long as I have my moment in the spotlight!"

"Eat me!" she shouted to reporters. "Rip me limb from limb and eat me alive!"

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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