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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Nation Demands NASA Stop Holding Press Conferences Until They Discover Some Little Alien Guys

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they only wanted to hear announcements about actual cool stuff in space, millions of impatient Americans flat-out demanded Monday that NASA stop holding all press conferences until they discover some little alien guys. “Nobody even cares that there’s some water on Mars; we have water on Earth—so you shouldn’t even bother having a stupid press conference unless there’s proof of alien guys with a bunch of eyes or tentacles or something,” said Fort Wayne, IN resident Kyle Schultz, echoing the sentiment of Americans across the country who insisted that NASA stop telling them about new black holes, asteroids, or a type of element on another planet’s surface until they have pictures of orange or purple aliens running around a weird futuristic city. “And none of that microscopic organism crap. It should be real alien dudes with way more arms than humans and that can talk using their minds instead of their mouths. We really don’t want to know about any new types of rocks or that the temperature on a faraway world is hotter or colder.” At press time, the U.S. populace had immediately stopped listening to a press conference on the Mars rover’s progress into Marathon Valley after realizing it did not involve brokering a peace treaty with a village of little alien guys who lived there.


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