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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Nation Demands NASA Stop Holding Press Conferences Until They Discover Some Little Alien Guys

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that they only wanted to hear announcements about actual cool stuff in space, millions of impatient Americans flat-out demanded Monday that NASA stop holding all press conferences until they discover some little alien guys. “Nobody even cares that there’s some water on Mars; we have water on Earth—so you shouldn’t even bother having a stupid press conference unless there’s proof of alien guys with a bunch of eyes or tentacles or something,” said Fort Wayne, IN resident Kyle Schultz, echoing the sentiment of Americans across the country who insisted that NASA stop telling them about new black holes, asteroids, or a type of element on another planet’s surface until they have pictures of orange or purple aliens running around a weird futuristic city. “And none of that microscopic organism crap. It should be real alien dudes with way more arms than humans and that can talk using their minds instead of their mouths. We really don’t want to know about any new types of rocks or that the temperature on a faraway world is hotter or colder.” At press time, the U.S. populace had immediately stopped listening to a press conference on the Mars rover’s progress into Marathon Valley after realizing it did not involve brokering a peace treaty with a village of little alien guys who lived there.


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