adBlockCheck

Nation Descends Into Chaos As Throat Infection Throws Off Obama's Cadence

Top Headlines

Politics

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation Descends Into Chaos As Throat Infection Throws Off Obama's Cadence

This cough led directly to 1,400 overturned cars and three major prison riots.
This cough led directly to 1,400 overturned cars and three major prison riots.

WASHINGTON—Looting, fires, and mass rioting swept across the nation today when a mild throat infection threw off President Barack Obama's normally reassuring and confident speech cadence, sources in every major city reported.

"My fellow [cough] Americans, please [cough] remain calm," Obama said during a nationally televised emergency address to the nation that caused the Dow Jones to plunge 50 points with every cough, sniffle, or wheeze. "Now is not the time for [cough]…everything's [cough]. Stop it."

Without the president's fluid, almost poetic tone to reassure them, the American people have abandoned all semblance of law and order and descended into a nationwide panic, burning buildings to the ground, disobeying police, and relinquishing all hope for the future.

"Run for your lives! The president no longer has a masterful yet unpretentious command of the English language!" citizens from coast to coast were heard to cry as they abandoned their jobs, homes, and families to forage in the woods for their very survival. "Without Obama's ability to turn even the most dire news into an uplifting and irresistibly quotable rhetorical gem, we'll never make it. All is lost! Nothing awaits now but utter darkness."

Riot police stanch the onslaught of angry upper-middle-class Americans in Boston.

Breaking reports now indicate that, in the absence of the president's soothing eloquence, as many as 85 percent of Americans vacated their towns to seek higher ground, or barricaded themselves in underground bunkers armed with shotguns and old presidential radio broadcasts in hopes of riding out the crisis until Obama's oratorical prowess returns.

"His reassuring but firm cadence has abandoned us!" former office manager Carol Craighead shouted through a bullhorn from the roof of her New York apartment building. "How will we weather the financial slump, escalating tensions with Iran and North Korea, war in Iraq, and our deteriorating health care system if Obama can't make the press corps chuckle with his pithy and endearing turns of phrase?"

Statements echoing Craighead's have been heard in all 50 states, as citizens grapple with the loss of the president's calming verbiage. Many say they fear that without Obama's strong, yet compassionate, vocal cadence, the entire country will crumble into dust—leaving only the ashy remains of a once powerful Western empire.

Although Obama's doctors have attempted to reassure the American public by claiming the apocalyptic throat infection should clear up in three to five days, many experts agree that any recovery will come too late.

"By that time, the damage will be done," said Harvard University's H. Robert McCallum, who was himself preparing to flee to the comparative stability of Mexico when reached by reporters for comment. "It may be decades before the stock market recovers, if it ever does, and all indications suggest that the Midwest is now an uninhabitable wasteland, abandoned by law enforcement and unwatched by God Himself."

"How could we have allowed ourselves to get to this point?" he continued. "Someone should have given him vitamin C or a lozenge or something. Some hot tea. Perhaps future historians, as they piece together the ruins of our civilization, will be able to figure out how such a vile fate could have been avoided."

What personnel remain at the Department of Defense estimated this afternoon that only 15 percent of the U.S. military remains under federal control. The rest are reportedly roaming the countryside in armed bands, looting and pillaging as they go. Those senior officers still reporting for duty have barricaded themselves inside the Pentagon, where they have gradually succumbed to infighting as the chain of command grows more and more ambiguous.

"How are we to find hope without Obama's liquid tenor to distract us?" ousted defense secretary Robert Gates asked. "I can't go back to the way it was two years ago. I'd rather die."

As the crisis worsens, attempts to replace Obama's soothing eloquence with an equally authoritative and reassuring vocal presence continue. Actor Morgan Freeman, celebrated for his voice-over narrations in films like March Of The Penguins, put forth a heroic effort, but was unable to quell the unprecedented civil unrest. Dennis Haysbert, star of Fox's 24, was also slated to make a speech, but is now missing and presumed dead.

White House officials have admitted that their early attempt to temporarily placate the nation with a primetime address by Vice President Joe Biden was a disastrous lapse in judgment, after Biden's numerous gaffes resulted in the dissolution of the Senate and the destruction of the Washington Monument.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close