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A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:
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Nation Descends Into Utter Moral Chaos Following 'Dear Abby' Writer's Death

MINNEAPOLIS—Following the death of 94-year-old “Dear Abby” columnist Pauline Phillips, the nation reportedly plunged into complete and utter moral chaos today, with thousands of queries on everything from table manners to tricky ethical dilemmas piling up unanswered on the late writer’s desk. “I never realized how much I relied on her advice until this afternoon, when my fourth-grader came home with a bad report card and I didn’t know whether to call his teacher, request a face-to-face conference with her, or find her after school and murder her” said visibly confused “Dear Abby” reader Karen McCutcheon, 34, who along with millions of other Americans confirmed she now lacks the guidance necessary to know whether to get her boss a present for his birthday or set fire to his home while he’s sleeping. “I can’t ask Abby what to do about the dog next door who won’t stop barking and now I’m wondering: Should I kill him? Fuck him? Kill him first and then fuck him and eat him? I just don’t know anymore.” At press time, sources confirmed that in the absence of the tart-tongued columnist’s helpful advice, the disoriented nation had resorted to mass lootings, group suicides, and gang rape, sinking deeper and deeper into internecine tribal warfare.

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