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Nation Desperately Seeks Sportswriters' Opinions On Kobe Bryant

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Nation Desperately Seeks Sportswriters' Opinions On Kobe Bryant

LOS ANGELES—As Kobe Bryant leads the Lakers against the Magic in the NBA Finals, fans are seeking the expert views and insights of top sportswriters for help in formulating an opinion on the 11-time all-star.

"Please, sportswriters, if you're reading this, I need you to write more columns discussing whether or not Kobe Bryant is the type of player who thrives under pressure," Los Angeles resident and longtime Lakers fan Sam Lawson said. "Does Kobe want the ball in his hands with time running down? Does he have killer instinct? I just don't know these things until I read them in Jack McCallum's Sports Illustrated column."

"I'm certain McCallum, of all people, can tell me, because he is a truly original thinker and a genius," Lawson continued. "Sportswriters are all geniuses."

Like Lawson, a majority of U.S. fans are begging luminaries in the combined worlds of letters and sport to confirm certain obscure and rarely discussed aspects of Bryant's basketball career that remain unclear to the average reader. Despite watching many seasons' worth of full games, hundreds of hours of game analysis, and as many personal profiles and capsule biographies of Bryant as humanly possible, many fans still feel they are in the dark about the 2008 MVP.

Basketball enthusiasts claim sportswriters have repeatedly helped them to determine whether Bryant is a better defender than most people think, and whether he has figured out how to use his teammates instead of being a me-first player. In 2009 alone, tens of thousands of basketball fans have called on sports journalists to answer the following questions: Is Kobe Bryant intense? Is Kobe Bryant competitive by nature? Does Kobe Bryant have a deep and abiding passion for the game of basketball? And if so, how do his intensity, competitive nature, and passion compare to Michael Jordan's?

Citizens claim that if they are not given at least 40,000 more sports columns concerning these topics, they will be utterly unable to comprehend even a single minute of a basketball game.

"I was personally unsure whether Kobe was 'focused' or not," Baltimore resident Michael Shields said. "But then I read Jonathan Abrams' lengthy New York Times article about Kobe Bryant's focus and I learned that Kobe is really very focused indeed. Now, I had thought that Kobe certainly looked focused during his 40-point performance in Game 1, but you can never be sure of these things until it's confirmed by a professional."

According to basketball-watching Americans, sportswriters have thus far answered innumerable questions about Bryant that would have been nearly impossible for laymen to answer for themselves. For example, the nation was shocked to learn Monday that Bryant sets the tone for the Lakers offensively.

"I had no idea," Orlando Magic fan James Graft, 42, said. "Literally, none."

Fans have also turned to sportswriters to help them understand whether or not Bryant is hungry for a fourth championship ring. A survey of hundreds upon thousands of nearly identical but equally brilliant sports columns—penned by many different writers—and painstaking viewings of ESPN's Around the Horn have confirmed that Bryant is, in fact, metaphorically hungry for said ring.

"After three championships, I was thinking that maybe he didn't want or need a fourth," said Los Angeles resident Derrick Glass, who has had season tickets to the Lakers for the last 15 years. "To be honest, I thought that maybe he only wanted to win with Shaquille O'Neal and didn't really feel like proving that he could win a title without him, but fortunately Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige are paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to steer me in the right direction on that one."

Overall, sports fans stated that although they will listen to what Bryant's teammates say about him, or even to what Bryant himself has to say, ultimately they look to sportswriters to regurgitate that information in an urgent yet carefully modulated tone of voice, thereby conveying that what they have to say is very, very important to the national sporting dialogue.

"To get a full grasp on Kobe, I need Skip Bayless to yell at the top of his lungs," Michael Shields of Cincinnati said. "After he shouts about Kobe as often as possible while fixing a sour look of disdain on his self-important face, I will know what I myself should think about Kobe."

Most importantly, citizens stressed they need sportswriters to tell them precisely where Bryant stands amongst the all-time greats. Americans unanimously noted that it is absolutely necessary for sportswriters to provide them with the invaluable service of writing 600,000 to 1 million more columns that rank current and past players in lists of 10, 20, or 100, depending upon how much space their editors need to fill.

"I could never do what these guys do," Tom Matthews, 34, said. "But what I find most moving is when they sum up these apparently inconsequential stories with poignant closing sentences, often just a few seemingly inane words—or perhaps even a separated quote that's given its own standalone closing paragraph—intended to make the reader ignore the previous 872 words of mindless filler and take a moment to think about sports' overall influence on who, ultimately, we are as a nation and a culture."

"It's simply ingenious," Matthews added.

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