Nation Desperately Seeks Sportswriters' Opinions On Kobe Bryant

Top Headlines

Sports

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...

Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Technology

Nation Desperately Seeks Sportswriters' Opinions On Kobe Bryant

LOS ANGELES—As Kobe Bryant leads the Lakers against the Magic in the NBA Finals, fans are seeking the expert views and insights of top sportswriters for help in formulating an opinion on the 11-time all-star.

"Please, sportswriters, if you're reading this, I need you to write more columns discussing whether or not Kobe Bryant is the type of player who thrives under pressure," Los Angeles resident and longtime Lakers fan Sam Lawson said. "Does Kobe want the ball in his hands with time running down? Does he have killer instinct? I just don't know these things until I read them in Jack McCallum's Sports Illustrated column."

"I'm certain McCallum, of all people, can tell me, because he is a truly original thinker and a genius," Lawson continued. "Sportswriters are all geniuses."

Like Lawson, a majority of U.S. fans are begging luminaries in the combined worlds of letters and sport to confirm certain obscure and rarely discussed aspects of Bryant's basketball career that remain unclear to the average reader. Despite watching many seasons' worth of full games, hundreds of hours of game analysis, and as many personal profiles and capsule biographies of Bryant as humanly possible, many fans still feel they are in the dark about the 2008 MVP.

Basketball enthusiasts claim sportswriters have repeatedly helped them to determine whether Bryant is a better defender than most people think, and whether he has figured out how to use his teammates instead of being a me-first player. In 2009 alone, tens of thousands of basketball fans have called on sports journalists to answer the following questions: Is Kobe Bryant intense? Is Kobe Bryant competitive by nature? Does Kobe Bryant have a deep and abiding passion for the game of basketball? And if so, how do his intensity, competitive nature, and passion compare to Michael Jordan's?

Citizens claim that if they are not given at least 40,000 more sports columns concerning these topics, they will be utterly unable to comprehend even a single minute of a basketball game.

"I was personally unsure whether Kobe was 'focused' or not," Baltimore resident Michael Shields said. "But then I read Jonathan Abrams' lengthy New York Times article about Kobe Bryant's focus and I learned that Kobe is really very focused indeed. Now, I had thought that Kobe certainly looked focused during his 40-point performance in Game 1, but you can never be sure of these things until it's confirmed by a professional."

According to basketball-watching Americans, sportswriters have thus far answered innumerable questions about Bryant that would have been nearly impossible for laymen to answer for themselves. For example, the nation was shocked to learn Monday that Bryant sets the tone for the Lakers offensively.

"I had no idea," Orlando Magic fan James Graft, 42, said. "Literally, none."

Fans have also turned to sportswriters to help them understand whether or not Bryant is hungry for a fourth championship ring. A survey of hundreds upon thousands of nearly identical but equally brilliant sports columns—penned by many different writers—and painstaking viewings of ESPN's Around the Horn have confirmed that Bryant is, in fact, metaphorically hungry for said ring.

"After three championships, I was thinking that maybe he didn't want or need a fourth," said Los Angeles resident Derrick Glass, who has had season tickets to the Lakers for the last 15 years. "To be honest, I thought that maybe he only wanted to win with Shaquille O'Neal and didn't really feel like proving that he could win a title without him, but fortunately Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige are paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to steer me in the right direction on that one."

Overall, sports fans stated that although they will listen to what Bryant's teammates say about him, or even to what Bryant himself has to say, ultimately they look to sportswriters to regurgitate that information in an urgent yet carefully modulated tone of voice, thereby conveying that what they have to say is very, very important to the national sporting dialogue.

"To get a full grasp on Kobe, I need Skip Bayless to yell at the top of his lungs," Michael Shields of Cincinnati said. "After he shouts about Kobe as often as possible while fixing a sour look of disdain on his self-important face, I will know what I myself should think about Kobe."

Most importantly, citizens stressed they need sportswriters to tell them precisely where Bryant stands amongst the all-time greats. Americans unanimously noted that it is absolutely necessary for sportswriters to provide them with the invaluable service of writing 600,000 to 1 million more columns that rank current and past players in lists of 10, 20, or 100, depending upon how much space their editors need to fill.

"I could never do what these guys do," Tom Matthews, 34, said. "But what I find most moving is when they sum up these apparently inconsequential stories with poignant closing sentences, often just a few seemingly inane words—or perhaps even a separated quote that's given its own standalone closing paragraph—intended to make the reader ignore the previous 872 words of mindless filler and take a moment to think about sports' overall influence on who, ultimately, we are as a nation and a culture."

"It's simply ingenious," Matthews added.

Next Story