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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Nation Did Not See Mark Wahlberg's Sex Change Coming

LOS ANGELES—Following the first public appearance of the actress formerly known as Mark Wahlberg at a Hollywood fundraiser last night, the American people acknowledged the Departed and Fighter star’s sex-reassignment surgery was something they had not seen coming. “Huh,” said Illinois schoolteacher Thomas Granger, 37, reading about the star making her red-carpet debut as Martha Wahlberg. “I guess Mark Wahlberg’s a woman now. He always seemed like more of a masculine guy. But good for him. I mean, her. It’s just that, you know, the last time I saw him on TV, he was doing some promo work for that Ted movie, and he didn’t mention anything about this.” Sources throughout the nation agreed that Wahlberg, despite the gender-change procedure, is still a looker.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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