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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Nation Disturbed By Photos Of Bud Selig In ESPN’s Body Issue

WASHINGTON—Calling the pictorial “disgusting” and “very unsettling,” millions of Americans were reportedly deeply disturbed by the semi-nude photos of 78-year-old Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig in ESPN The Magazine’s annual Body Issue last week, sources confirmed Friday. “Getting a glimpse at the incredible physiques of athletes like Colin Kaepernick, Kerri Walsh Jennings, and Sydney Leroux was really cool, but turning the page to see Bud Selig standing there buck naked and shielding his genitals with his left hand was, I have to say, a bit much,” San Diego resident Jason Dawson, 31, said of the three-page spread, which contained strategically shot pictures of a naked Selig from multiple angles covering himself only with an MLB baseball cap and a catcher’s mitt. “To be honest, it pretty much ruined the entire issue for me.” While undoubtedly put off by the images of Selig, many Americans admitted to reporters that the feature was far easier to stomach than last year’s controversial double-page spread of completely nude Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland lying in the spread-eagle position at home plate.

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