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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Nation Disturbed By Photos Of Bud Selig In ESPN’s Body Issue

WASHINGTON—Calling the pictorial “disgusting” and “very unsettling,” millions of Americans were reportedly deeply disturbed by the semi-nude photos of 78-year-old Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig in ESPN The Magazine’s annual Body Issue last week, sources confirmed Friday. “Getting a glimpse at the incredible physiques of athletes like Colin Kaepernick, Kerri Walsh Jennings, and Sydney Leroux was really cool, but turning the page to see Bud Selig standing there buck naked and shielding his genitals with his left hand was, I have to say, a bit much,” San Diego resident Jason Dawson, 31, said of the three-page spread, which contained strategically shot pictures of a naked Selig from multiple angles covering himself only with an MLB baseball cap and a catcher’s mitt. “To be honest, it pretty much ruined the entire issue for me.” While undoubtedly put off by the images of Selig, many Americans admitted to reporters that the feature was far easier to stomach than last year’s controversial double-page spread of completely nude Detroit Tigers manager Jim Leyland lying in the spread-eagle position at home plate.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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