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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

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With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.

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Nation Elects First Black-Hearted President

Black-hearted Americans across the country reportedly celebrated in the streets after Donald Trump was declared the victor, becoming the first black-hearted president in the nation’s history.
Black-hearted Americans across the country reportedly celebrated in the streets after Donald Trump was declared the victor, becoming the first black-hearted president in the nation’s history.

WASHINGTON—Shattering a barrier long thought unbreakable in the United States, Donald Trump, the 70-year-old billionaire real estate mogul from New York, became the first black-hearted man in history to win the American presidency, in the early hours of Wednesday morning.

President-elect Trump, who in July became the first black-hearted nominee of a major political party, once again rewrote the history books as the first black-hearted man to capture the majority of votes in the electoral college, defeating former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in a closely contested race. The once unimaginable outcome of a black-hearted man assuming the role of commander-in-chief of the United States has already sent major shockwaves through the nation and, indeed, across the world.

“Honestly, I’m in shock—I cannot believe that we just elected a black-hearted man as president,” said Stephen Payton, 49, of Greensboro, NC, adding that just the thought of a black-hearted man sitting in the Oval Office “sent chills down [his] spine.” “Frankly, I never thought I’d live to see us put a man like that in the White House, but I guess times do change. Our nation is clearly moving in a new direction.”

“It just goes to show you that anything is possible in America,” he continued.

Trump’s victory, which defied the long-held conventional wisdom about the prospects of black-hearted candidates, has been described as a watershed moment for the nation’s millions of black-hearted Americans whose overwhelming support buoyed his run for the presidency. Encouraged by the possibility of one of their own occupying the highest seat of power in the nation, black-hearted Americans reportedly turned out in record numbers in all 50 states, propelling Trump to a historic victory.

Perhaps most critically, early analysis indicates that Trump’s win may have been sealed by his ability to capture the votes of millions of Americans who were long assumed to be incapable of ever voting for a black-hearted candidate.

“Having someone who is black-hearted running the country is definitely going to change everything,” said Samantha Davis, 56, of Tacoma, WA, who explained that she expects Trump to govern in accordance with the values and beliefs shaped by his formative years growing up as a young black-hearted man in New York City. “There’s no way he’s going to be like any of the other men who came before him. He’s proud to be a black-hearted man because that’s exactly who he is.”

“And that won’t change just because he’s the president,” she added.

While no official announcements have been made, Washington insiders believe that Trump is also expected to name black-hearted Americans to fill key cabinet positions, with sources identifying former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani as likely choices for top roles.

Reflecting on the historic nature of the evening and what it may mean for the future, many have described Trump’s election as perhaps the single greatest achievement in black-hearted history.

“Oh my God, he actually won!” said Kyle Leigh, 27, of Watertown, NY, before pausing and breaking down in tears after learning that a black-hearted man will now occupy the White House for the next four or eight years. “This really happened. It’s just starting to sink in.”

“Nothing is going to be the same after this election,” he added. “Nothing.”

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