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Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl

WASHINGTON—Football fans across the nation were reportedly exhilarated this week, claiming that they were thrilled for the much-anticipated opportunity to finally see a Harbaugh lose a Super Bowl. “I’m so pumped up! I can’t wait to savor every moment of a Harbaugh losing an NFL Championship,” said Kansas City resident Eric Rasmussen, adding that he’s praying for Super Bowl XLVII to be an embarrassing blowout. “It’s going to be awesome watching that special moment when a Harbaugh dejectedly walks off the field instead of hoisting up the Lombardi Trophy.” While the country’s football fans admitted seeing a Harbaugh lose the AFC Championship and NFC Championship last year was something “very special,” most confirmed that “this will be way better.”

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