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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Nation Excited To See Whatever Bile The Internet Spews Up Today

WASHINGTON—According to reports, the American people are currently rubbing their hands in anticipation for whatever vile, disgusting garbage the internet will eventually puke up across a variety of news outlets, blogs, social media networks, and comment sections today. “Man oh man, I literally cannot wait to see what foul shit the web smears across my computer screen,” said Massachusetts resident Andrew Renzi, 29, before eagerly checking out the latest despicable offal and sludge Facebook, Twitter, CNN.com, and Reddit had recently coughed up. “What’s it gonna be? A horrid slideshow spewed from the pits of internet hell designed to appeal to the basest form of human intelligence? A poisonous stream of racist comment threads? Either way, I just love how you can always count on the net to deliver a rancid, steaming plate of feces fresh to your browser every morning.” At press time, Renzi had breathlessly clicked on a link to a story about Elvis’ connection to Michael Jackson’s death.

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