Nation Excited To See Whatever Bile The Internet Spews Up Today

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.


Nation Excited To See Whatever Bile The Internet Spews Up Today

WASHINGTON—According to reports, the American people are currently rubbing their hands in anticipation for whatever vile, disgusting garbage the internet will eventually puke up across a variety of news outlets, blogs, social media networks, and comment sections today. “Man oh man, I literally cannot wait to see what foul shit the web smears across my computer screen,” said Massachusetts resident Andrew Renzi, 29, before eagerly checking out the latest despicable offal and sludge Facebook, Twitter,, and Reddit had recently coughed up. “What’s it gonna be? A horrid slideshow spewed from the pits of internet hell designed to appeal to the basest form of human intelligence? A poisonous stream of racist comment threads? Either way, I just love how you can always count on the net to deliver a rancid, steaming plate of feces fresh to your browser every morning.” At press time, Renzi had breathlessly clicked on a link to a story about Elvis’ connection to Michael Jackson’s death.