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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Nation Exhibits Strange Preoccupation With Manner In Which Food Is Processed

NEW YORK—For reasons too difficult to comprehend, the unnecessarily fretful and anxious nation of United States continues its odd obsession with the various processes by which raw ingredients are transformed into food fit for human consumption.

"I simply cannot understand this bizarre fascination with how food comes to be," Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries CEO Zuo Xiabing, foremost innovator of the fish by-product business paradigm, told reporters. "What could be interesting about the way ingestible materials that are not originally tube-shaped are made to be tube-shaped? It's food! Enjoy!"

Zuo, who is correct, said the fact that there are American agencies devoted entirely to fixating on the proper dehydration, pasteurization, and freeze-drying of imported foods such as fish by-products indicates an unhealthy culture-wide obsession.

"Food makes you strong," Zuo said. "Stop worrying. Just chew and swallow. You will be fine."

"Eat, eat, eat," Zuo continued with an assuring smile. "It is good. Eat."

One can reportedly see where Zuo is coming from, especially because his imported fish products are made in the best, cleanest manufacturing facilities and continue to rise in both profit and quality.

"Remember," Zuo added, "Fish Time is Success Time."鱼

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