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VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

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Nation Exhibits Strange Preoccupation With Manner In Which Food Is Processed

NEW YORK—For reasons too difficult to comprehend, the unnecessarily fretful and anxious nation of United States continues its odd obsession with the various processes by which raw ingredients are transformed into food fit for human consumption.

"I simply cannot understand this bizarre fascination with how food comes to be," Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries CEO Zuo Xiabing, foremost innovator of the fish by-product business paradigm, told reporters. "What could be interesting about the way ingestible materials that are not originally tube-shaped are made to be tube-shaped? It's food! Enjoy!"

Zuo, who is correct, said the fact that there are American agencies devoted entirely to fixating on the proper dehydration, pasteurization, and freeze-drying of imported foods such as fish by-products indicates an unhealthy culture-wide obsession.

"Food makes you strong," Zuo said. "Stop worrying. Just chew and swallow. You will be fine."

"Eat, eat, eat," Zuo continued with an assuring smile. "It is good. Eat."

One can reportedly see where Zuo is coming from, especially because his imported fish products are made in the best, cleanest manufacturing facilities and continue to rise in both profit and quality.

"Remember," Zuo added, "Fish Time is Success Time."鱼

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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