adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nation Exhibits Strange Preoccupation With Manner In Which Food Is Processed

NEW YORK—For reasons too difficult to comprehend, the unnecessarily fretful and anxious nation of United States continues its odd obsession with the various processes by which raw ingredients are transformed into food fit for human consumption.

"I simply cannot understand this bizarre fascination with how food comes to be," Yu Wan Mei Amalgamated Salvage Fisheries CEO Zuo Xiabing, foremost innovator of the fish by-product business paradigm, told reporters. "What could be interesting about the way ingestible materials that are not originally tube-shaped are made to be tube-shaped? It's food! Enjoy!"

Zuo, who is correct, said the fact that there are American agencies devoted entirely to fixating on the proper dehydration, pasteurization, and freeze-drying of imported foods such as fish by-products indicates an unhealthy culture-wide obsession.

"Food makes you strong," Zuo said. "Stop worrying. Just chew and swallow. You will be fine."

"Eat, eat, eat," Zuo continued with an assuring smile. "It is good. Eat."

One can reportedly see where Zuo is coming from, especially because his imported fish products are made in the best, cleanest manufacturing facilities and continue to rise in both profit and quality.

"Remember," Zuo added, "Fish Time is Success Time."鱼

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close