Nation Fills Up On Bread

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Vol 36 Issue 39

Candidate Delighted To Be In Chair Factory

LAUREL, DE– During a campaign stop Monday, Republican U.S. Senate candidate and former Delaware attorney general Don Stenberg expressed great pleasure to be at a chair factory. "I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be with the fine men and women of the Laurel Chair Works on this beautiful day," Stenberg told the crowd of 200 employees, donning a Laurel Chair Works baseball hat given to him by factory owner Darrell Widcock. "Just as you have done for so many satisfied customers throughout Delaware, it is my hope that you can provide me with a 'seat' in Congress." Earlier in the day, Stenberg was overjoyed to be at an elementary school, a mall, a senior-citizen community center, and an Episcopalian Church.

Awful Show A Repeat Again

PRESCOTT, AZ– According to local TV viewer Randy Bolz, Monday's episode of the "absolutely awful" CBS show The King Of Queens was a repeat yet again. "King Of Queens is bad enough when it's a new episode," Bolz said, "but this is the third time I've seen that stupid one where Doug buys the really expensive car against Carrie's wishes, then his company goes on strike. Even if I actually did like this show, I certainly wouldn't after seeing the same damn episode three times in less than a year. Christ."

No Clear Winner In Feces-Throwing Conflict

TABORA, TANZANIA– After several hours of fierce feces-slinging from both sides, no clear winner emerged Tuesday in the conflict between Tabora-area male silverback gorillas Lugo and Kamala. "While Lugo looked strong early on, heaving large quantities of his own dung at his opponent, Kamala came back with an equally impressive volley of his own," primatologist Dr. Donald Schayes said. "We might not have a clear handle on the outcome until mating season." The animals have tentatively scheduled an additional series of fecal flings over the next three weeks.

You The Newest Subsidiary Of Kraft Foods

NORTHFIELD, IL– In the company's latest acquisition, Kraft Foods announced Monday that it has gained a controlling interest in you for an estimated $11,000, nearly 20 percent less than the amount forecast by Forbes Magazine market analysts earlier this year. "We are pleased to bring you under the umbrella of fine Kraft products and individuals," Kraft CEO Bob Eckert said. "After some retooling and repackaging, expect to be on store shelves sometime in early spring."

Captain Kirk's Life Flashes Before Dying Trekkie's Eyes

MILFORD, CT– Moments before dying, car-accident victim and hardcore Star Trek fan Glenn Schaefer saw Captain James T. Kirk's life flash before his eyes. "It's all coming back to me," said Schaefer, bleeding profusely and fading from massive head trauma. "The Salt Vampires of M-113, assisting Spock through the Pon Farr, outmaneuvering Khan Singh in the Mutara Nebula, the dilithium mines of Rura Penthe. I'm even seeing portions of the animated series and the Lost Years novels." Before taking his final breath, Schaefer turned to attending medical personnel and said, "It was... fun."

The XFL

Last weekend, the inaugural player draft was held for the XFL, the new World Wrestling Federation-backed pro-football league. What are some of the league's features?

This Casino Is So Glamorous!

Oh! Oh, my goodness! When Helen and Patty said they were going to take me to a casino, I thought it would be nice, but this is something else! I had no idea the casino would be so glamorous!

I Must Take Issue With Entertainment Weekly's C-Plus Grade For The DVD Release Of The Patriot

I usually enjoy Entertainment Weekly a great deal, devouring everything from Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet to the Gimme Shelter profiles of on-the-market celebrity homes to the always cheeky CyberDigest column. And, as a rule, I trust the magazine's reviews, confident that if Ken Tucker says the new CBS show The Fugitive is an A-minus, it's an A-minus. I must, however, take strong issue with the C-plus grade for the DVD release of The Patriot.
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Nation Fills Up On Bread

WASHINGTON, DC–Despite repeated warnings from federal officials not to eat too much before their entree arrives, an alarming 89 percent of U.S. citizens filled up on bread Monday, leaving them too full to enjoy the rest of their meal.

In a scene familiar across America, a Scotch Plains, NJ, bread basket sits empty.

"Paying little heed to the many cautionary announcements we have issued, the American people have stuffed themselves with dinner rolls and, as a result, have no room for their soup or salad, much less their main course," said U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala. "America, look at your plates: They've hardly even been touched."

According to a Health and Human Services report, an unprecedented two billion pounds of uneaten sides were trucked away from U.S. dinner tables, including 150 million pounds of mashed potatoes, 200 million pounds of stuffing, and 450 million pounds of steamed carrots. What's worse, HHS officials said, Americans discarded nearly 300 million choice cuts of meat which is the most expensive part and has all the protein–without taking much more than a bite.

"America must learn that filling up on bread beforehand is just foolish, because then you can't enjoy your meal," the report read. "Sure, they give you plenty of bread. But then you can't eat the food you paid good money for. That's how they get you."

The HHS report has provoked strong reaction from appetite-conservation activists nationwide.

"For decades, excessive and unregulated pre-meal bread consumption has been the number-one threat to the U.S. appetite," said Hannah Dowling, author of the bestselling Saving Some Room For Later. "Despite decades of awareness-raising efforts on the part of appetite conservationists, filling up on bread remains the leading cause of leaving the dinner table early for Americans in the 7- to 64-year-old age group, and the second-leading cause for citizens over 65."

According to Dowling, even the seemingly harmless dinner-table presence of such food-service hospitality items as individually wrapped breadsticks and Saltine-brand crackers can pose a threat to Americans' hunger.

A perfectly good meal going to waste, having been thrown into an Athens, GA, trash bin.

"Many people, conditioned to expect instant satisfaction in our convenience-obsessed society, lack even the simplest mealtime gratification-delay skills–skills which, in generations past, children were expected to have mastered by age 5 or 6," Dowling said. "As a result, presented with unlimited access to fresh bread, bread sticks, and crackers–not to mention the ubiquitous packets of butter and alliterative butter substitutes such as Country Crock and Shedd's Spread–the American eater is like the proverbial horse that, left unsupervised, will gorge itself until it dies."

"Remember," Dowling added, "bread expands once it gets in your stomach, and then you feel full even when you're not."

In a recent U.N. study, the U.S. ranked last in the world in appetite-preservation skills. The average American, the study found, was only able to maintain an empty stomach for three minutes before sating his or her hunger. Standing in sharp contrast is Botswana, whose citizenry ranked first, able to preserve their appetites for an average of more than seven months.

"The problem of appetite spoilage has reached epidemic proportions here in America," Shalala said. "No other country is as bad at staying hungry as we are."

Shalala said major changes are in order in the wake of the latest HHS report.

"If we can't control ourselves with the bread, we'll have to face hard facts and accept that we're just not going to have any room for pie later," Shalala said. "And nobody, regardless of our partisan political differences, wants a tragedy like that."

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