Nation Fills Up On Bread

Top Headlines

Recent News

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Nation Fills Up On Bread

WASHINGTON, DC–Despite repeated warnings from federal officials not to eat too much before their entree arrives, an alarming 89 percent of U.S. citizens filled up on bread Monday, leaving them too full to enjoy the rest of their meal.

In a scene familiar across America, a Scotch Plains, NJ, bread basket sits empty.

"Paying little heed to the many cautionary announcements we have issued, the American people have stuffed themselves with dinner rolls and, as a result, have no room for their soup or salad, much less their main course," said U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Donna Shalala. "America, look at your plates: They've hardly even been touched."

According to a Health and Human Services report, an unprecedented two billion pounds of uneaten sides were trucked away from U.S. dinner tables, including 150 million pounds of mashed potatoes, 200 million pounds of stuffing, and 450 million pounds of steamed carrots. What's worse, HHS officials said, Americans discarded nearly 300 million choice cuts of meat which is the most expensive part and has all the protein–without taking much more than a bite.

"America must learn that filling up on bread beforehand is just foolish, because then you can't enjoy your meal," the report read. "Sure, they give you plenty of bread. But then you can't eat the food you paid good money for. That's how they get you."

The HHS report has provoked strong reaction from appetite-conservation activists nationwide.

"For decades, excessive and unregulated pre-meal bread consumption has been the number-one threat to the U.S. appetite," said Hannah Dowling, author of the bestselling Saving Some Room For Later. "Despite decades of awareness-raising efforts on the part of appetite conservationists, filling up on bread remains the leading cause of leaving the dinner table early for Americans in the 7- to 64-year-old age group, and the second-leading cause for citizens over 65."

According to Dowling, even the seemingly harmless dinner-table presence of such food-service hospitality items as individually wrapped breadsticks and Saltine-brand crackers can pose a threat to Americans' hunger.

A perfectly good meal going to waste, having been thrown into an Athens, GA, trash bin.

"Many people, conditioned to expect instant satisfaction in our convenience-obsessed society, lack even the simplest mealtime gratification-delay skills–skills which, in generations past, children were expected to have mastered by age 5 or 6," Dowling said. "As a result, presented with unlimited access to fresh bread, bread sticks, and crackers–not to mention the ubiquitous packets of butter and alliterative butter substitutes such as Country Crock and Shedd's Spread–the American eater is like the proverbial horse that, left unsupervised, will gorge itself until it dies."

"Remember," Dowling added, "bread expands once it gets in your stomach, and then you feel full even when you're not."

In a recent U.N. study, the U.S. ranked last in the world in appetite-preservation skills. The average American, the study found, was only able to maintain an empty stomach for three minutes before sating his or her hunger. Standing in sharp contrast is Botswana, whose citizenry ranked first, able to preserve their appetites for an average of more than seven months.

"The problem of appetite spoilage has reached epidemic proportions here in America," Shalala said. "No other country is as bad at staying hungry as we are."

Shalala said major changes are in order in the wake of the latest HHS report.

"If we can't control ourselves with the bread, we'll have to face hard facts and accept that we're just not going to have any room for pie later," Shalala said. "And nobody, regardless of our partisan political differences, wants a tragedy like that."