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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Nation Finishes Romantically Pairing Off Except For The Losers

WASHINGTON—Officials announced today that, as of this morning, every last person in the entire nation has successfully paired off with their respective romantic partner and is enjoying a fulfilling relationship, with the exception of all the losers. “Everyone in the United States who is in any way attractive or desirable is now happily coupled with a significant other,” said Census Bureau deputy director Nancy Potok, noting that the whole of the American populace, minus the losers, officially completed the coupling process at 11:30 a.m. today, when Atlanta residents Keri Fowler and Curtis Jones decided to start seeing each other exclusively. “The remaining single people out there have been deemed entirely unappealing by all potential mates. If you’re not in a relationship now, you never will be. Our research has confirmed that some people in this world simply don’t deserve love.” Potok added that there was zero possibility of the single losers being able to pair off with other single losers, due to the fact that they’re all such total losers.

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