adBlockCheck

Nation Finishes Romantically Pairing Off Except For The Losers

Top Headlines

Recent News

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Nation Finishes Romantically Pairing Off Except For The Losers

WASHINGTON—Officials announced today that, as of this morning, every last person in the entire nation has successfully paired off with their respective romantic partner and is enjoying a fulfilling relationship, with the exception of all the losers. “Everyone in the United States who is in any way attractive or desirable is now happily coupled with a significant other,” said Census Bureau deputy director Nancy Potok, noting that the whole of the American populace, minus the losers, officially completed the coupling process at 11:30 a.m. today, when Atlanta residents Keri Fowler and Curtis Jones decided to start seeing each other exclusively. “The remaining single people out there have been deemed entirely unappealing by all potential mates. If you’re not in a relationship now, you never will be. Our research has confirmed that some people in this world simply don’t deserve love.” Potok added that there was zero possibility of the single losers being able to pair off with other single losers, due to the fact that they’re all such total losers.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close