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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Nation Fondly Recalls When Just Regulating Video Games Seemed Like Solution To Gun Violence

WASHINGTON—Faced with seemingly ceaseless debates over how to curb the rampant number of shootings occurring across the country, millions of Americans took a brief moment Thursday to fondly look back at a time when simply regulating video games seemed like the best solution to gun violence. “You know, there was a brief period when slapping a ‘Mature’ sticker on the cover of a violent video game was the single, clear-cut way to end all gun-related deaths in America,” said Annalise Wexler of Los Altos, CA, who went on to nostalgically reminisce about the then-widely held belief that prohibiting the sale of first-person shooter games to children without parental permission appeared to be a totally concrete and comprehensive preventative measure against mass shootings. “Forget trying to figure out how to expand access to mental health services, enforce more stringent background checks in all 50 states, or restrict the sale of military-grade assault weapons and bulk ammunition—back then we figured we could just ban death metal music and call it a day. Man, those were good times.” Many Americans also admitted to reporters that they desperately miss the bygone era when they could blame anyone but themselves for perpetuating gun violence by electing officials who refuse to pass stricter gun control laws.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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