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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Nation Fondly Recalls When Just Regulating Video Games Seemed Like Solution To Gun Violence

WASHINGTON—Faced with seemingly ceaseless debates over how to curb the rampant number of shootings occurring across the country, millions of Americans took a brief moment Thursday to fondly look back at a time when simply regulating video games seemed like the best solution to gun violence. “You know, there was a brief period when slapping a ‘Mature’ sticker on the cover of a violent video game was the single, clear-cut way to end all gun-related deaths in America,” said Annalise Wexler of Los Altos, CA, who went on to nostalgically reminisce about the then-widely held belief that prohibiting the sale of first-person shooter games to children without parental permission appeared to be a totally concrete and comprehensive preventative measure against mass shootings. “Forget trying to figure out how to expand access to mental health services, enforce more stringent background checks in all 50 states, or restrict the sale of military-grade assault weapons and bulk ammunition—back then we figured we could just ban death metal music and call it a day. Man, those were good times.” Many Americans also admitted to reporters that they desperately miss the bygone era when they could blame anyone but themselves for perpetuating gun violence by electing officials who refuse to pass stricter gun control laws.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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