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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Nation Gathers Around Area Man Trying To Parallel Park

PHILADELPHIA—According to reports, the nation’s entire population gathered around and looked on with concern Thursday as 28-year-old Erik Olsen attempted to parallel park his Honda Civic in a tight space on South Street. “Man, he’s cutting it pretty close there,” said Milwaukee resident Adam Collins, 36, who was among the 315 million American passersby watching with pained expressions as Olsen moved backward several inches and then abruptly hit his brakes. “He didn’t cut the wheel soon enough, that’s the problem. At this point he needs to just pull out again, line up about 3 feet closer, and then—Christ, he’s gonna nick that Corolla with his bumper if he’s not careful.” Moments later, the entire U.S. populace reportedly let out a collective groan as Olsen accidentally backed his tires up onto the curb for a second time.

UPDATE: Sources have now confirmed that following his 12th failed attempt to fit his car into the space, Olsen has reluctantly accepted an offer from a Tempe, AZ woman to park it for him.

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