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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Nation Gathers Around Area Man Trying To Parallel Park

PHILADELPHIA—According to reports, the nation’s entire population gathered around and looked on with concern Thursday as 28-year-old Erik Olsen attempted to parallel park his Honda Civic in a tight space on South Street. “Man, he’s cutting it pretty close there,” said Milwaukee resident Adam Collins, 36, who was among the 315 million American passersby watching with pained expressions as Olsen moved backward several inches and then abruptly hit his brakes. “He didn’t cut the wheel soon enough, that’s the problem. At this point he needs to just pull out again, line up about 3 feet closer, and then—Christ, he’s gonna nick that Corolla with his bumper if he’s not careful.” Moments later, the entire U.S. populace reportedly let out a collective groan as Olsen accidentally backed his tires up onto the curb for a second time.

UPDATE: Sources have now confirmed that following his 12th failed attempt to fit his car into the space, Olsen has reluctantly accepted an offer from a Tempe, AZ woman to park it for him.

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