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What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Contents Of The Voyager Golden Record

Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
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Nation Gathers Around Area Man Trying To Parallel Park

PHILADELPHIA—According to reports, the nation’s entire population gathered around and looked on with concern Thursday as 28-year-old Erik Olsen attempted to parallel park his Honda Civic in a tight space on South Street. “Man, he’s cutting it pretty close there,” said Milwaukee resident Adam Collins, 36, who was among the 315 million American passersby watching with pained expressions as Olsen moved backward several inches and then abruptly hit his brakes. “He didn’t cut the wheel soon enough, that’s the problem. At this point he needs to just pull out again, line up about 3 feet closer, and then—Christ, he’s gonna nick that Corolla with his bumper if he’s not careful.” Moments later, the entire U.S. populace reportedly let out a collective groan as Olsen accidentally backed his tires up onto the curb for a second time.

UPDATE: Sources have now confirmed that following his 12th failed attempt to fit his car into the space, Olsen has reluctantly accepted an offer from a Tempe, AZ woman to park it for him.

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