Nation Gathers Around Radio Set To Listen To Big Ball Game

Top Headlines

Sports

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.

Strongside/Weakside: Ronda Rousey

After winning her third straight bout in less than 40 seconds, UFC star Ronda Rousey has become the most dominant MMA fighter in the world and is truly living the dream of any incredibly violent person. Is she any good?

Fan Can’t Believe He Left 11 Seconds Into Ronda Rousey Fight

RIO DE JANEIRO—Kicking himself for not staying all the way until the end of the fight and subsequently missing its thrilling finish, local mixed martial arts fan Marcos Acosta expressed both disappointment and regret Tuesday for leaving UFC 190’s main event between Ronda Rousey and Bethe Correia after 11 seconds.

Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Good Times

Business

Nation Gathers Around Radio Set To Listen To Big Ball Game

WASHINGTON—After the little ones had finished up the last of their supper, moms had dashed out to get the last of the wash off the line before the sun set, and dads had quietly finished smoking their pipes behind the evening newspaper, eager citizens from coast-to-coast gathered around the radio set to listen to the big ball game between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Texas Rangers, sources in America's living rooms, dens, and parlors confirmed Wednesday.

The laughing, chattering families gaily congregated around the floor-standing oak-and-Bakelite Philcos, Bendixes, and Zeniths to enjoy the warm orange glow while the vacuum tubes properly warmed up, and were gently but firmly urged to hush by the nation's fathers, who were concentrating on carefully adjusting the radio dials to the correct broadcast station.

Americans of all ages let loose a small, spontaneous cheer of delight when the devices finally crackled to life and the authoritative yet soothing voice of the play-by-play announcer could be heard pronouncing the names of the teams over the familiar and highly anticipated sounds of the World Series.

The nation reportedly marveled at the excellent sound quality of the broadcast, with the grandpas in particular claiming that listening to the big game on the radio set felt "just like being at the old ballpark."

"You can really hear the crowd, the ump, and the crack of the bat every time the ball is hit foul," said Topeka, KS resident Larry Schultz, adding that the announcer's terse yet vivid descriptions of the infield moving over a couple steps to the left, a pitcher looking over his shoulder at a base runner, and a manager walking out to the mound were so clear he could almost see the game in his head. "The World Series! Boy oh boy, I am wound up for this one. I love to hear our top-notch big-leaguers play a ball game."

Across the nation, streets were deserted, taprooms vacant, and general stores empty—save for the widowed old-timers listening to the shopkeeper's cigar-box crystal radio set as the potbellied stove shooed away the October chill. Lights glowed a soft yellow from the windows of all the houses in the country as the nation found itself completely entranced by the most important contest of America's national pastime, closely following each pitch on the selfsame radio sets that bring them, regular as well-wound clockwork, the quiz shows, mystery stories, serialized dramas, vaudevillian performances, and jolly big-band numbers that liven up their nightly games of checkers.

However, on this very special night, the bright-eyed and apple-cheeked people of all 50 states were brought together by the unfolding matchup between the Cardinals ball club from the big city of St. Louis and the upstart Texas Rangers platoon from way out West.

"Should be a great contest, because that Texas club is a scrappy bunch that can really flash the leather and hightail it around the base-pads," said Cleveland native Steve Bergman, who accompanied his two sons and his daughter to the study between innings so they could clamor for the privilege of showing him St. Louis and Texas on the big globe they received last Christmas. "On the other hand, the Cardinals have a couple guys who can certainly wallop the ol' horsehide."

"Me, I think the savvy money is on the Cardinals," said Bergman, who also took pains to point out that he was by no means a betting man." "See, those Ranger boys will be quite fatigued, since they had to take the train all that ways from Texas."

The big game provided a pleasant diversion for many Americans facing joblessness or missing family members sent to war.

"Times are tough, what with the market crash and all, so it's really nice that for a little while you don't have to think about how hard it is to find factory work," said Karen Dreisel, a Miami native. "And since so many of us haven't seen our sons since they left on the troop train to go off to war, it's nice they had a tribute to our boys in uniform overseas. Oh, and to the gals who are helping out over there, too, of course."

In every home in America, all three generations of family members living under the roof assembled in front of the radio set for the big game, with grandparents in their rocking chairs, and fathers, mothers, aunts, and uncles seated on the edge of the davenport. Red-faced uncles apologized for loudly exclaiming "Oh, applesauce!" after a strikeout by a favorite slugger, and children sat Indian-style or lay on the floor with their chins cradled in their hands, wearing their cherished mitts and hushing the family dog as they focused intensely on the broadcaster's voice and leaned in closer with every reverent word.

As of press time, the sun had long since set on the cities and towns; the harvest moon was lining the deserted streets, sidewalks, and yards with silver; and the entire United States was silent—save for the distant crackle of the broadcast and the happy exclamations an impressive catch or throw might bring out of wholesome folk who would do anything for family, friends, neighbors, or even strangers in need—as every ear in the country turned itself toward baseball.