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Nation Gathers Around Radio Set To Listen To Big Ball Game

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.
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Nation Gathers Around Radio Set To Listen To Big Ball Game

WASHINGTON—After the little ones had finished up the last of their supper, moms had dashed out to get the last of the wash off the line before the sun set, and dads had quietly finished smoking their pipes behind the evening newspaper, eager citizens from coast-to-coast gathered around the radio set to listen to the big ball game between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Texas Rangers, sources in America's living rooms, dens, and parlors confirmed Wednesday.

The laughing, chattering families gaily congregated around the floor-standing oak-and-Bakelite Philcos, Bendixes, and Zeniths to enjoy the warm orange glow while the vacuum tubes properly warmed up, and were gently but firmly urged to hush by the nation's fathers, who were concentrating on carefully adjusting the radio dials to the correct broadcast station.

Americans of all ages let loose a small, spontaneous cheer of delight when the devices finally crackled to life and the authoritative yet soothing voice of the play-by-play announcer could be heard pronouncing the names of the teams over the familiar and highly anticipated sounds of the World Series.

The nation reportedly marveled at the excellent sound quality of the broadcast, with the grandpas in particular claiming that listening to the big game on the radio set felt "just like being at the old ballpark."

"You can really hear the crowd, the ump, and the crack of the bat every time the ball is hit foul," said Topeka, KS resident Larry Schultz, adding that the announcer's terse yet vivid descriptions of the infield moving over a couple steps to the left, a pitcher looking over his shoulder at a base runner, and a manager walking out to the mound were so clear he could almost see the game in his head. "The World Series! Boy oh boy, I am wound up for this one. I love to hear our top-notch big-leaguers play a ball game."

Across the nation, streets were deserted, taprooms vacant, and general stores empty—save for the widowed old-timers listening to the shopkeeper's cigar-box crystal radio set as the potbellied stove shooed away the October chill. Lights glowed a soft yellow from the windows of all the houses in the country as the nation found itself completely entranced by the most important contest of America's national pastime, closely following each pitch on the selfsame radio sets that bring them, regular as well-wound clockwork, the quiz shows, mystery stories, serialized dramas, vaudevillian performances, and jolly big-band numbers that liven up their nightly games of checkers.

However, on this very special night, the bright-eyed and apple-cheeked people of all 50 states were brought together by the unfolding matchup between the Cardinals ball club from the big city of St. Louis and the upstart Texas Rangers platoon from way out West.

"Should be a great contest, because that Texas club is a scrappy bunch that can really flash the leather and hightail it around the base-pads," said Cleveland native Steve Bergman, who accompanied his two sons and his daughter to the study between innings so they could clamor for the privilege of showing him St. Louis and Texas on the big globe they received last Christmas. "On the other hand, the Cardinals have a couple guys who can certainly wallop the ol' horsehide."

"Me, I think the savvy money is on the Cardinals," said Bergman, who also took pains to point out that he was by no means a betting man." "See, those Ranger boys will be quite fatigued, since they had to take the train all that ways from Texas."

The big game provided a pleasant diversion for many Americans facing joblessness or missing family members sent to war.

"Times are tough, what with the market crash and all, so it's really nice that for a little while you don't have to think about how hard it is to find factory work," said Karen Dreisel, a Miami native. "And since so many of us haven't seen our sons since they left on the troop train to go off to war, it's nice they had a tribute to our boys in uniform overseas. Oh, and to the gals who are helping out over there, too, of course."

In every home in America, all three generations of family members living under the roof assembled in front of the radio set for the big game, with grandparents in their rocking chairs, and fathers, mothers, aunts, and uncles seated on the edge of the davenport. Red-faced uncles apologized for loudly exclaiming "Oh, applesauce!" after a strikeout by a favorite slugger, and children sat Indian-style or lay on the floor with their chins cradled in their hands, wearing their cherished mitts and hushing the family dog as they focused intensely on the broadcaster's voice and leaned in closer with every reverent word.

As of press time, the sun had long since set on the cities and towns; the harvest moon was lining the deserted streets, sidewalks, and yards with silver; and the entire United States was silent—save for the distant crackle of the broadcast and the happy exclamations an impressive catch or throw might bring out of wholesome folk who would do anything for family, friends, neighbors, or even strangers in need—as every ear in the country turned itself toward baseball.

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