Nation Gears Up For Hockey's First Season Following Lockout

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Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

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Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

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Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

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Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
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Nation Gears Up For Hockey's First Season Following Lockout

NEW YORK—As winter tightens its grip on the nation, hockey fans from coast to coast are breaking out their team sweaters for the first time in what seems like ages, eagerly anticipating attending their first professional hockey game since the NHL's lockout began quite some time ago.

"Oh, hockey's back? Well, I'm glad they finally got that whole thing resolved," said North Carolina resident Max Sherwood, adding that once the ponds of Raleigh freeze over, he would definitely consider going to a game. "I remember I used to see it on TV now and then, but not for a while, come to think of it. It's nice they're going to have that again."

"I hope we can beat the Russians again, at any rate," Sherwood added.

To fans of the NHL, there is nothing that comes close to hockey, and no doubt its sudden disappearance from the world of competitive sports some time in the last few years came as a crushing disappointment to the hockey faithful. But with the new year upon us, those die-hard fans will soon be thrilled by the breathtaking exploits of luminaries such as Mark Messier, Mario Lemieux, Gordie Howe, Paul Coffey, Barry Melrose, the Quebec Nordiques, and Wayne "The Great" Gretzky. And, as always, the NHL hopes that newcomers to the sport might find it fills the void between the college bowl games and the NBA All-Star Game.

"I still can't believe they skate the entire time," said Phoenix resident Brent Quigley. "I've never managed to actually see more than a couple games back when they used to show them, and I've never been to one, because it's a pretty long drive to Los Angeles. But it's colorful, what with the fights and all, right?"

Pittsburgh, a major hockey hotbed, is reportedly abuzz with hockey-mad fans, as the local Pittsburgh players are once again expected to make another run at the elusive championship.

"You do remember that we actually won one a while ago? I'm pretty sure we did," said outspoken superstar Jagr, who, before the lockout, many hockey insiders claimed was on pace to break an important league record or records. "And yes, I think we are doing okay so far. It's early," added Jagr, apparently referring to his team's preseason record, after being asked if his team had a chance to win the Stanley Trophy.

Though the league promises that rule changes made during the lockout will promote a faster, higher-scoring style of play that should attract Americans to the sport, the NHL may still have difficulty competing with other nationally televised athletic events that have traditionally earned a larger audience, such as professional football, college football, arena football, professional basketball, college basketball, women's professional basketball, NASCAR season highlight retrospectives, motocross, the And-1 Mix Tape Basketball Tour, NASCAR season previews, Monday Night RAW, professional bass fishing, the upcoming pay-per-view Oscar de la Hoya fight, ESPN Classic, the Ultimate Fighting Championship and its accompanying reality show, amateur bass fishing, highlights of Staten Island Yankees workouts, and college hockey. 

"We certainly think Americans have forgiven us for the lockout by now, and will continue to attend our games," said NHL commissioner Gary Bettman, who was also acting commissioner during the work stoppage that resulted in the cancellation of hockey's equivalent of the world series for the first time in 90 years.

"It was certainly a difficult time for this league, but I think last season showed everyone we have what it takes to get our fans' hearts back," Bettman added, evidently speaking of the high standard of play preceding the strike.

Although the NHL has yet to sign a broadcast package contract with a major television station, most networks say they are committed to giving out the more important hockey scores if time permits. ESPN, the last national network to feature a comprehensive schedule of NHL games, has said it will continue to report results of games during the popular Did You Know? segment, and would consider showing any Game 7 of a championship series if the NHL could afford the airtime.