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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Nation Growing Increasingly Distrustful Of NFL Experts

NEW YORK—Football viewers across the nation announced Tuesday that a lackluster performance, inaccurate predictions, and a failure to acknowledge shortcomings have led to an increased distrust in so-called NFL experts. "First they had Green Bay over Arizona, then Dallas over Minnesota, and of course they just couldn't see the Jets winning," said 46-year-old New Jersey resident Tom Nicholson, who called on authorities to investigate how long NFL experts have been misleading the American public. "I don't know who to believe. The more I think about it, the more I realize that these self-appointed 'experts' are wrong a staggering percentage of the time. Why, I ask you, does all that pregame analysis become inconsequential once the game actually begins?" A majority of Americans also noted that in instances where analysts are correct, as is often the case with Cris Collinsworth and Merril Hoge, the commentators are so insufferably smug that it makes them unwatchable.

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