adBlockCheck

Nation Has To Sell Lake House

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation Has To Sell Lake House

The American populace says that, despite all the great memories they formed there, the lake house has just become too hard to maintain.
The American populace says that, despite all the great memories they formed there, the lake house has just become too hard to maintain.

MADISON, ME—Admitting that the cherished property had recently become a burden, the nation’s 317 million citizens announced Thursday that as much as they loved the old place, it was time for them to sell the lake house.

The beloved two-story house up on Wesserunsett Lake, where the American people used to go every summer since before any of them could remember, has reportedly been falling apart for years now, requiring extensive maintenance and forcing the nation to concede that keeping the residence simply no longer makes financial sense.

“That lake house is where I grew up—I guess it’s where we all grew up,” said Arthur Pollis, 41, recalling how, every June, the nation would pile into the old van and ride up I-95 to the lake house together. “But if we’re being honest with ourselves, we hardly use the place as often as we used to, and the taxes are just too much now.”

According to the U.S. populace, the lake house was the site of some of their most cherished memories, such as the way all 317 million of them would excitedly rush upstairs to claim rooms at the start of the summer, the night when the whole nation got a little too drunk and someone broke the screen door, the time Pete dropped the steaks, and how the dog always used to run out of the lake, shake herself off, and get the American people soaking wet.

Nevertheless, Americans across the country acknowledged the reality that the place needed a great deal of repairs, and that they were simply a busier nation now than when they were younger.

“Of course the house means a hell of a lot to us. I mean, it’s where some of us lost our virginity—I know we’ll never forget that,” said Allie Carpenter, 34, who mentioned the summer evenings when the nation used to sit side-by-side along the pier, dangling their feet into the water. “Still, the fact is that it’s getting to be more of a hassle than it’s worth. This year we came back to find the pipes had burst over the winter, and there was a bat living in the upstairs hallway. It’s that stuff that starts to wear you down.”

“It is pretty sad to think we’ll never use that rope swing again, though,” she continued. “I remember when Cathy [Meyer of Boulder, CO], Arthur [Johnson of Montgomery, AL], Linda [Taylor of Kenosha, WI], Juan [Sanchez of St. Petersburg, FL], Kelly [Norris of High Point, NC], John [Krasinski of Los Angeles, CA], Sarah [Morgan of Hammond, IN], Dawn [Peterson of Renton, WA], Victor [Wallace of Flagstaff, AZ] Stephen [Wagner of Tulare, CA], Samantha [Duncan of Omaha, NE], Stacey [Bradley of Lubbock, TX], and Tony [Schmidt of Clarksville, TN] were always afraid to use that swing, but then one day they finally did it and we were all so proud. God, I’m going to miss stuff like that.”

The American people acknowledged that not all of their memories of the lake house were fond ones, recalling when Connecticut’s population and South Carolina’s population got into a huge fight about politics at dinner, the time the dog got lost for two days and then turned up with a broken leg, Grandpa’s heart attack, and when the nation fell on the sharp rocks near the shore and had to get 814 million stitches.

The entire country confided to reporters that perhaps what they would miss most about the lake house were the times they’d spontaneously decide to spend a weekend there in October as it was getting cold, or even head up for a day in the middle of winter to look out across the frozen water and think to themselves in solitude.

“It can be so quiet and beautiful out there,” said Douglas Mooney, 46. “Just the stars in the sky and millions of us huddled around the warm, crackling fire. Sometimes it would seem like we were the only ones around for hundreds of miles.”

While the nation confirmed that they always dreamed of passing the lake house down to the next generation of American citizens, the U.S. populace conceded that selling the place was certainly the prudent thing to do.

At press time, the nation suggested that when the kids get a little older they might go in on a time-share down in Myrtle Beach.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close