Nation Hit Hard

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Vol 44 Issue 37

Ron Paul Endorses Third Parties

Former Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has refused to endorse Sen. John McCain or Sen. Barack Obama, calling the race a charade and...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Nation Hit Hard

NEW YORK—Faced with several tough factors, the nation has once again been hit hard, sources reported Tuesday. "It is unclear whether the American people will ever fully recover from this blow," said Dr. Gerald Davidson, an expert. "The country is still reeling from November's massive slump, as well as widespread skyrocketing in 2006. And let's not forget that staggering 13.9 percent rate." Davidson concluded that the only circumstance that could somewhat alleviate the dire situation is a boost.

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