Nation Hoping ‘The Newsroom’ Ends Before Trayvon Martin Storyline

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Vol 49 Issue 29

Royal Baby Born

LONDON—After months of anticipation, representatives for the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton confirmed today that the royal baby has finally made its way into the world.

Martha Sarahns

Martha Sarahns, 78, passed away Saturday night surrounded by her closest friends, family, and this random dude who looked completely lost.

Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box

FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who ...

Detroit Files For Bankruptcy

Detroit became the largest municipality in U.S. history to seek bankruptcy protection yesterday, which will likely force the city to slash government employment, sell assets, and further pare back municipal services.
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Nation Hoping ‘The Newsroom’ Ends Before Trayvon Martin Storyline

NEW YORK—Reflecting on the aftermath of the George Zimmerman trial, citizens across the nation prayed Tuesday that HBO’s The Newsroom somehow ends before the show is able to incorporate a storyline about the killing of Trayvon Martin. “Oh, Christ, you just know Aaron Sorkin is already dying to clamber up on his high horse and tell people exactly how the media dropped the ball on this story at the time and exactly how he would have gotten it right,” said Eugene, OR resident Sarah Vandenberg, echoing the thoughts of the country’s 310 million citizens while doing a panicked mental calculation to determine just how long the show will have to stay on the air for the Newsroom universe to catch up to the events of Martin’s death and the subsequent criminal trial of George Zimmerman. “Honestly, I just don’t know if I can make it through Will McAvoy’s self-righteous monologue criticizing other news outlets for selectively editing Zimmerman’s 911 call, or listen to an articulate new black staff member’s passionate, perfectly rehearsed speech to the rest of the News Night team at ACN about what it feels like to be racially profiled, or see how a heated office debate over race in America will somehow affect Jim and Maggie’s relationship. I just won’t be able to handle that, okay? So please, please let the show be canceled by then.” At press time, millions of Americans were already cringing at the thought of Emily Mortimer screaming in the control room to cut a conservative guest’s mic after he says something racist.

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