adBlockCheck

Nation Hoping ‘The Newsroom’ Ends Before Trayvon Martin Storyline

Top Headlines

Entertainment

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Nation Hoping ‘The Newsroom’ Ends Before Trayvon Martin Storyline

NEW YORK—Reflecting on the aftermath of the George Zimmerman trial, citizens across the nation prayed Tuesday that HBO’s The Newsroom somehow ends before the show is able to incorporate a storyline about the killing of Trayvon Martin. “Oh, Christ, you just know Aaron Sorkin is already dying to clamber up on his high horse and tell people exactly how the media dropped the ball on this story at the time and exactly how he would have gotten it right,” said Eugene, OR resident Sarah Vandenberg, echoing the thoughts of the country’s 310 million citizens while doing a panicked mental calculation to determine just how long the show will have to stay on the air for the Newsroom universe to catch up to the events of Martin’s death and the subsequent criminal trial of George Zimmerman. “Honestly, I just don’t know if I can make it through Will McAvoy’s self-righteous monologue criticizing other news outlets for selectively editing Zimmerman’s 911 call, or listen to an articulate new black staff member’s passionate, perfectly rehearsed speech to the rest of the News Night team at ACN about what it feels like to be racially profiled, or see how a heated office debate over race in America will somehow affect Jim and Maggie’s relationship. I just won’t be able to handle that, okay? So please, please let the show be canceled by then.” At press time, millions of Americans were already cringing at the thought of Emily Mortimer screaming in the control room to cut a conservative guest’s mic after he says something racist.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close