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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Nation Hoping ‘The Newsroom’ Ends Before Trayvon Martin Storyline

NEW YORK—Reflecting on the aftermath of the George Zimmerman trial, citizens across the nation prayed Tuesday that HBO’s The Newsroom somehow ends before the show is able to incorporate a storyline about the killing of Trayvon Martin. “Oh, Christ, you just know Aaron Sorkin is already dying to clamber up on his high horse and tell people exactly how the media dropped the ball on this story at the time and exactly how he would have gotten it right,” said Eugene, OR resident Sarah Vandenberg, echoing the thoughts of the country’s 310 million citizens while doing a panicked mental calculation to determine just how long the show will have to stay on the air for the Newsroom universe to catch up to the events of Martin’s death and the subsequent criminal trial of George Zimmerman. “Honestly, I just don’t know if I can make it through Will McAvoy’s self-righteous monologue criticizing other news outlets for selectively editing Zimmerman’s 911 call, or listen to an articulate new black staff member’s passionate, perfectly rehearsed speech to the rest of the News Night team at ACN about what it feels like to be racially profiled, or see how a heated office debate over race in America will somehow affect Jim and Maggie’s relationship. I just won’t be able to handle that, okay? So please, please let the show be canceled by then.” At press time, millions of Americans were already cringing at the thought of Emily Mortimer screaming in the control room to cut a conservative guest’s mic after he says something racist.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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